I always love your questions and I am back on here with insomnia.
" There are quite a few things going on here and I can't grasp the core of it"
Probably because I can't either . As you know, I have been in limbo for a while now. Husband wouldn't commit to divorce or to reconciliation. Well, last week we got into argument and he just committed to divorce. So in a way, it's like another BD. even though it was so obvious to everyone. At the same time, I feel ready. i am tired of trying to convince him to stay married. This time though I am feeling more guilt and numbness.
I think its very fair to say that I played a decent role in the breakdown of the marriage. I am trying to come to terms with it. I think it is a very honest reflection. It is hard to accept, because a lot of it was avoidable.
The ones I am likely to repeat: 1. My reactions. Instead of just accepting, I make comments or argue in a way that just leads to conflict. it is resolvable if I Could learn to communicate appropriately when I feel I am being treated unfairly. It is a communication issue. I let my anger over other issues build up because I do not want to deal with the confrontation and then the passive aggressive responses come out.
Way to resolve this: assert boundaries early on before it gets emotional? Even more difficult for me now because I dread having to talk to husband.
Ones I won't likely repeat.
1. Quite frankly, I ignored husband requests. For example, Husband would always ask me to dress up. He would compliment me and tell me all the reasons I should dress up. I just felt like I didn't need to try anymore. That must have felt bad for my Husband. Husband communicated with me some of his other needs and opinions which were very reasonable (kid parties, not spending money on piano lessons for a 4 year old ). , and I just didn't hear him out. I did what I wanted.
2. I ignored his needs. he made a big deal when I cleaned or did him a favor (positive reinforcement) and I did not do this enough for him. At the same time, I spent hours making fancy cupcakes and albums to give to preschool teachers. Totally ridiculous in hindsight.
3. I focused too much on the things that bothered me about husband (lateness and sleeping late and not spending time with us ) which led to resentment instead of things that he really did well. I think had I focused on the positive, it probably would have encouraged him to respond differently to my needs.
It's funny, the bottom 3, ones that I won't repeat are the ones that I actually long to do now... (Work together as a team unit, meet needs, and provide positive support) I feel bad that he did not get this. I feel for my husband. for him to walk out, he had to have been miserable too.
It's so late. I hope this is organized and making sense. Vanilla thank you. Any thoughts from you are always appreciated.
. As you know, I have been in limbo for a while now. Husband wouldn't commit to divorce or to reconciliation. Well, last week we got into argument and he just committed to divorce. So in a way, it's like another BD. even though it was so obvious to everyone. At the same time, I feel ready. i am tired of trying to convince him to stay married. This time though I am feeling more guilt and numbness. 