Let the guy parent how he wants. His parenting problems aren't his problems, they are yours. If he's not beating your children, exposing them to hard drugs, etc, then he's just fine.
He's obviously doing this for a reason. Maybe he wants to make sure that when they are adults they succeed...just like you do. You feel the way to do that is through affirmation and building self esteem. But the pendulum has swung pretty hard that direction what wish child protection being involved if someone takes off there belt, in my mind there is nothing wrong with 'toughening them up'. My kids cry plenty when they don't get what they want, and I don't care AT ALL, and they KNOW I don't care, and guess what, pretty soon they realize the only thing crying is doing is making themselves miserable because it ain't changing my behavior so they decide to let it go and accept reality. And THAT is a lesson I'm proud to help them learn.
I think it's gross for you to walk around thinking your way of parenting is better and right, and that you act like he's something less of a man because he doesn't do it your way. It is dismissive and controlling and entitled. You're not the judge and jury of his parenting. You can sit around with a bunch of your girlfriends and talk about how what he does doesn't jive with your latest parenting book, I just don't see how that's going to help. As far as this being a deal breaker, wow, if you can't be supportive of your H and see the positive in the man he is, please do cut bait because he deserves someone that will build him up and support him as a strong ***EQUAL*** partner.
Funny thing, he gets to parent them either way, so the only question is whether you want to do it in two homes and model a failed marriage and a judgmental mother to your kids.
I'll close by sharing this- during my M I was a distant father and XW was the helicopter SAHM. I will own my decisions, it's not her fault I was negligent and allowed myself to get bullied out of my role as parent...what I will say though is that I felt my parenting was dismissed and criticized and condescended to for 10 years, XW acted like I was just another stupid kid that was good for her to dole out bonding activities for me and the kids so they could have 'exposure to a male role model', as long as she was supervising and could make sure to tell me when I was doing it wrong. LORD HOW DID I PUT UP WITH THIS? SHE WAS A CANCER!
My S11 has been hurt the most, he's only had his father for the last 18 months. Because guess what? Now that XW is out of my hair and life, I am the best dad ever. My kids love me. We're reading Lord of the Rings. We're doing homework. We're hiking. We're working 1:1 to develop their interests. I'm understanding them as people. We're exploring the world together. We're eating healthier. And they're learning how a man lives life and overcomes adversity and acts with character. At this moment I am ***GLAD*** XW left me, because as far as I'm concerned she wasn't mature enough to appreciate what a man she had, as a person, a dad, and a husband. I am better off without her. Sure, she could've made the CHOICE to stay humble, loyal, faithful, and supportive, and if she had done that it would've been great to preserve a marriage. But if my aunt had balls she'd be my uncle. XW didn't have the capacity to make that choice and so she walked away from an abusive neglectful partner. To this day she rolls her eyes at me as a person, a parent, and an ex, but you know what, her journey, she might cling to that narrative until she dies, but I won't know, because I'll be too busy making amazing things happen in the life of my children and those that are strong enough to appreciate those around them.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
