More detachment, anxiety and the joys of limbo

[Phoebe]

1313, actually my two counselor appointments are both tomorrow. Grief therapist in the morning, psychologist in the afternoon. I wonder how I arrived at this point sometimes. I've never seen a therapist in my life, and now I have multiple? I still don't know if they help, but I'm reaching for anything right now!

Straws, anyone??? : )

My psychologist is grandfatherly, so I can say that I enjoy seeing him. He is a comforting empathetic male presence. My father can't fill that role, so it's nice to have someone in it. Not slamming my Dad, mind you, he's been great, but he's pretty much out of patience with my inability to get over my troubles. I've only seen my grief therapist running once, so I don't have a feel for that process yet.

Feeling OK at the moment. Yes, some of my usual daily waterworks, but nothing that lasted more than a few minutes.

Totally filled with self-doubt about where to go from here, but I'm getting lots of strong opinions from family, friends, my GP...

I have an appt. scheduled with a local lawyer for Monday, and then one in the other state on Friday. Jurisdiction is going to be an issue. So, since I have to go out there for a lawyer, I'll be getting some of my stuff from the house. No way I'm going to stay in a hotel when I have a house I'm already paying for, which means I need to figure out how to convey my occupancy intentions to H. He should be in his apartment, but I'd really prefer not to see him at all. That means more contact, darn it. Ugh. Obviously, I'll just be telling him I'm there to pick up my bike, etc..

Does anyone have any thoughts on legal separation vs. divorce? I have no idea what LS really even entails or what advantages/disadvantages there might be to that option, beyond that it is nearly as expensive as divorce from what I understand.

Still haven't heard any more from H about "telling me his story." That was about 10 say ago now.

And this is the point at which I fess up to my complete foolishness. In a moment of complete insanity, I (just this very moment) sent H a one line email asking if he had had any further thoughts on that front. Why, why, why did I do it? Sigh... It's like I just lost my mind for a a few seconds and my fingers took over the keyboard. Another bell I can't unring.

Why do I still want to give this man a chance after all the things he has done and all the hell he has put me through? I am nowhere near detaching, much as I want to and know I need to. Again, my heart doesn't take good directions from my brain.

DB fail.