For the record...the above is contrary to MWD's advice and, since you still hope to save the marriage, is completely manipulative, transparent and more likely to result in you ending up permanently divorced.
If you actually want to be divorced and no longer wish to remain married...then go for it.
If you still want to save your marriage, then Step #1 is "no contact for life with OM" and the more you interfere with OM and that fantasy relationship the better. The fact is...the OM remains living an Ocean away. She's not seen him in person in forever. They aren't having sex. She's completely wayward thinking and lost to you right now but "dropping her" without explanation or reason isn't going to magically wake her up after 29 years or so of cheating on you. Instead...you'll just be giving her what she considers real rationalizations and justifications for leaving you. She say it proves you don't love her (and never did). Being what she would perceives as a jerk ....HELPS her. The reason spending time with her and trying to save the marriage infuriates her is because it's making divorce harder for her to do.
[note - I'm not saying it's never in the history of the world not worked....it just needs to be strategized and framed properly - to be more effective but we are still discussing strategy - there is no perfect strategy - another caveat - dropping the wayward husband works well for betrayed wives so it's understandable women would recommend this strategy]
That being said....I'm a big advocate of Parallel Parenting (google it). In time...if she continues down this path, OM comes to town and you're basically washing your hands of her (unless she comes begging back at which time you might consider it), then explaining to her that her behavior has devastated you and that until such time as she ends her affair (no contact for life) and commits to working a recovery plan with you, that you do not want to see or speak to her any more and that communication regarding the children will need to be handled by a third party then you "drop her" and go to Parallel Parenting parameters for high conflict divorce is the way to go. Now the main reason you actually do this is FOR YOU. To protect your love tank in case she changes her mind soon and because YOU are done trying to save the marriage all by yourself and need to release her because she refuses to change her wayward ways. Going dark is for YOU. It gives you a chance to breath and GAL while your wife deals with the FULL natural consequences of her choices and so OM has to then meet ALL her needs. At that time, I'd also suggest you go dark on your mother in law.....when the kids are with you... don't allow them to see the kids or you at all.
Consider this....if you "drop her" and it "doesn't work" - where do you go from there? If you re-engage - your manipulation by dropping her becomes transparent. So ...when you actually "go dark" you better be doing it FOR YOU...because you are done trying and just can't keep fighting this fight anymore because once you "go dark" behind a boundary of "until you go no contact for life with OM and commit to recovery"....there's no turning back on that. It's not a strategy you can really test.
Going dark is not as effective at ultimately saving your marriage than maintaining as much of a relationship as you can right now and fighting from the inside. Maybe you decide to go dark when she moves out or, I think, in about a month when the high of the initial freedom she feels after moving out starts to wain and the withdrawal will be most poignant. You'll be divorced soon and after a period of withdrawal (you'll both go through withdrawal) chances are...if you go dark now...you'll end up permanently divorced. From what I know about your situation, I think your wife's high need for family time may work in your favor but going dark is still a longshot. Therefore...for the time being and as long as OM doesn't come to the US for a visit....I think you spend as much time with her as possible while stating clearly that after the divorce or if OM visits that you won't remain her friend and she won't see or speak to you anymore. Explain parallel parenting to her too...she has no idea that you two aren't going to be hanging out at every one of the kids activities together and/or that you might not even continue participating in the kids activities anymore especially if she insists on intruding upon your parenting time during such activities. For example...let's says there's a piano recital that is to take place on your custody day. If your wife insists on going...then the kids miss the recital. You don't have to spend time with an abuser "for the kids"....in fact, it's modeling appropriate behavior to your children what they need to do should they find themselves someday in an abusive relationship (which now being from a divorced family makes more likely).....they don't have to suffer for the good of everyone else. Victims of abuse feel trapped by the many family inter-connections and relationships that will forever be effected should they speak out against their abuser. There is significant pressure to just grin and bear it...or, as I've seen even on these boards, "be the bigger person"..... Instead, I say, "you matter". If your wife divorces you without cause and cheats on you with some old boyfriend for over 20 years...then you're substantially better off being as far away from that hurtful abusive person as possible physically and emotionally. You can forgive...but forgiveness doesn't require reconciliation and/or simple tolerance and, in the long run, your kids will be better off because of it. You will be healthier and a better parent being far away from your then ex-wife.
Hopefully it won't come to that....but your wife has been a wayward thinker for over two decades....change is going to be tough for her. It's been less than 6 months...keep trying. It'll be easier once she moves out....don't give up hope.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
