Please excuse me if I don't reply/quote correctly; I still need to learn how to use these boards correctly. Let me know how I can better answer questions/post.
Thank you, Cristy. You are correct, this is very hard. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I could check off the list for you in terms of things to do to heal after an affair, but until I make this mental switch (for lack of a better term), I find myself still feeling stuck. Especially when there are triggers everywhere. While it is incredibly painful to be in crisis mode being a LBS, there is also that crutch of blame that became a constant source of security. The raw emotions around acceptance and forgiveness takes a strength and confidence that I just cannot seem to keep in my grasp. Any slip up on his part, or trigger, and my wall is right back up. I can very easily lapse back into sadness and rage. Mainly, I so terribly miss how I used to feel about him. So while many of you are hanging on to the love/longing you have for your spouse, just keep in mind that they are no longer that person. That marriage is over. I do not respect and feel in love with my husband the way I did before this happened. Not at all. That is why in DB it is critical that you focus on self love--not getting the love back that you lost.
Roist, I have been thinking a lot about what and how much to share. I think what has prevented me from posting over the years is the need for anonymity. Mainly fear. If I detailed my situation and timeline, I would think it would be easy to figure out who I am. We live in a small town as well.
So roughly: He had an EA for 6-12 months, we were separated for about 1 year while he had his full blown relationship, and he came back about 1 year ago. I am still on the roller coaster, and it's very hard to just shake off the triggers and fall in love again. It is not the same.
On thing that I want all of you to know is that your WAS knows what they are doing is wrong. He was plagued by guilt the ENTIRE time. When I was cordial, his guilt worsened. When I was angry/lashed out, he was further able to justify why he left.
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
