LBS back--piecing--but still regret not DB

[BluWave]

I have been reading here for years. I feel like I know many of you--not only from reading your posts, but because I can relate to almost all of it. While I may be coming out on the other side--my H has been back for over a year--I am still trying to heal. I think that is in large part because I did not DB enough while he was gone. I just want to emphasize to all of you why it's so important, help some of you see things from the other side, and mostly give back to this community that really saved me in my darkest days! I also would totally appreciate any 2by4s you want to throw at me. I am where many of you can only hope to be, but I have so many days I question myself and all of it.

Like many of you my H was thick in the fog for a long time. Had an EA, became an alien, took off, EA turned to PA, and he turned our family upside for a long time. I fell hard. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, lost over 30 pounds, my kids struggled, I lost friends, almost lost my job and home, and my life came crashing down. I lived with daily anxiety and stress, and to boot had the humiliation of this affair staring me in the face! I gathered all the support I could--friends, family, meds, therapy, exercised, went out, and read these boards daily. I tried to DB, but blew it often--lashing out, crying, begging, ignoring him, ect. All I wanted was my marriage and family back. That was my entire focus.

After a few failed attempts, seemed like almost overnight and out of nowhere he was back. It was different. Ended his A, was in therapy, we started marriage therapy, he did a complete 180, he was remorseful, he was transparent, has taken full responsibility, and he has remained this way. The most enormous wave of relief I have ever experienced! ... But it was short-lived. ... This man destroyed me. And I let him. I will never forget what I went through.

Perhaps, I should be in the piecing thread, but there is not much activity. And honestly, we are both doing whatever we can. I think the problem lies in me. I don't think I DB enough while he was gone. He came back to a broken person. And for that I still have a huge wall up. I still have a lot of resentment and shame. I am not sure there is much else he can do at this point. We love each other. Kids are doing great. But I certainly do not feel the same way I did before--that is over--and I am still grieving the loss of this man I loved and respected so much.

That being said, I have heard it all from the other side now. I get it. Listen to the vets here. Everything they are saying is for a reason! Those times he saw me moving on, and focusing on myself, and when I didn't attack him and became more approachable, he seconded guessed himself 100 fold. But only when it was genuine, not when I was trying to trap him.

I am not sure why I decided to make an acct and post after all these years, and this is somewhat impulsive. But if you have a spouse thick in an A or fog, I just might be able to give you some additional insight. Because what they are saying and doing is often 90% based on fear and emotions. There is little rational going on in their heads. Or there wasn't in the case of my H; a lot of fear, anger, and self-doubt.