14 days of sheer hell continues

[DDJ]

Yes, i did want to add the inheritance into the D, but guess that's her winning, since it riles her up and pushes her away.

I wholly agree with you painter, control is very important for me. But that is something that i need to work on.

As for counselling, the Dr (Psychiatrist) says that there's no hope in couples counselling, and we should have IC. She says to hold out for D for now and focus on ourselves.

The WW is not keen cos she can deal with things apparently. The WW still clearly wants a D, as her feelings have changed towards me, blah blah blah.

The Dr did say that we need to start seeing the value in each other and stop trying to tear each other down. I need to be less analytical and controlling (WW doing her own thing) and WW needs to stop trying to taunt me to get a reaction. Dr's words were not even finished and my WW just started again with blaming me.

Dr also said that I should not be on a forum, as it is counter-productive. She also does not believe in the whole WW thing, and did not even want to discuss the previous WW incident from 2014. So not sure that I want to do IC with her. Not sure that I want to leave this forum either as it is such a positive thing in my life, and i can see real change, by being my own man.

My turning stomach is still there a little, but that is just fear of the unknown - i need to embrace that for now.

[DDJ]

ironically, i could never control my W.

[Dawgs]

That's an awesome observation, Painter.

You know, my W is a master at playing the victim. So good,in fact, that her lies to go along with it will have ones head spinning. My IC, who was also our MC, feels that my Ws behavior was a form of control. Ugh.

[DDJ]

So what are you saying jeep? That this is the way that the WW takes full control over everything, the house, the H, the kids, the family, the M... YES, I GET IT.

[DDJ]

Oh, so WW is adamant that she does not want to go on holiday with her MIL. Do i tell my mother not to go with so that WW goes, or do i let WW make her own decision if she wants to stay?

I think i answered my own question. lol

[Dawgs]

Naw, DDJ, I was talking with Painter - it wasn't directed towards you.

[Painter]

I'm confused about something. You said on the previous page that your W said "You want to get a divorce, you do it and whatever is best for you. I'm done with divorce and will stay in my loveless marriage."

On top of this page, you say she 'clearly wants a divorce'.

Could you clarify? Or does she not know what she wants?

Are you both seeing a psychiatrist together for marriage counseling? That's sort of unusual...

Does your W know that you are on this forum? That's not recommended, because you need a place where you can discuss your situation without being concerned with her reading it (although you're never 100% safe from that, of course).

Why does the therapist feel it is counterproductive for you to be on a forum? It sounds like he/she is actually focusing on exactly the same that DB'ing is all about?

Here's what I would suggest you do:

- Make a list of what you feel is wrong in the M, what W feels is wrong in the M, and what *you* can do to change every situation. I'm not suggesting you should completely resolve the situation, but just write down what you can contribute to improve it.

- Make a list of what W has complained about in regards to you and your behavior. Look at the ones you feel may be warranted and write down how you can change your behavior.

- Nothing on this list should be about W. It's all about what you can do, because that's the only thing you can control.

However, I would say that her alcoholism is a huge factor in your problems. It's not a symptom, it's not something she chooses freely to do to deal with stuff, it's an illness and an addiction. Unless that is resolved, you will not have a healthy M. But - you can't fix it for her. Maybe she will choose to never fix it. So instead of letting her addiction drag you under with her, you need to take your son and make sure the two of you don't drown with her. I'm not talking about necessarily physically remove yourself, but make sure that you are both taken care of and don't become secondary victims. I would recommend you go to Al-Anon meetings to learn more about how to do that.

You can choose to be there for her and support her in her recovery efforts, but you have to look out for the health and safety of your son and yourself first.

Does the psychiatrist know about her alcoholism?

[Painter]

Oh, so WW is adamant that she does not want to go on holiday with her MIL. Do i tell my mother not to go with so that WW goes, or do i let WW make her own decision if she wants to stay?

I think i answered my own question. lol

What is her reason? What kind of holiday was this planned as? Does your mother normally go with you on trips, or is this a special occasion?

[DDJ]

In order to play the victim with Dr, she says that i'm to blame and she still wants the divorce. I never even had time to discuss the email from her today. My WW is so confused, but i do need to settle my emotions and not act rashly. I will put off D until the WW actually files, which will never happen.

WW does know i'm on here as i have to tell her not to check my PC whilst i'm here. The employee support recommended CC. The Dr wanted to try a game out with us, but we were throwing too many daggers. Dr does know about alcohol but is first trying to get us to do the basics in a R, like respect.

I will consider AA, thank you.

As for the holiday, it was my choice, as she chose Italy last year. I want to see the 7 wonders of the world, Grand canyon was an option for next year. My mother was going to join as its a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and I would like to treat her. My WW though does not need to be treated. It is he WWs birthday wknd though, we're leaving 20th May and WW bd is 15 May.

[DDJ]

So day 2 of detach went ok. What did i learn?

- Our MC was manipulated in seeing nothing wrong with my WWs behaviour. Going to use a different dr for IC.
- WW still says that she cannot trust herself, thats why she wants out of the marriage, and will visit the OP when he comes to the city even though "he is not interested" in her, they're just friends. LOL
- WW does not want to go for IC, but i am going.
- I gave no hugs to my WW, even though about 4 or 5 were requested from her.

As for this morning, the Katy Perry song "Hot and cold" comes to mind. And i'm sorry for being like that. But one thing that I cannot shake is that I feel in control of my life, when I realise that i want a divorce, and that I do not have to take this shyt. I feel that i have lost all control (and given it to my WW) when there is a blinking of hope that she might come back. I'm not sure if this is a part of the process, but it feels so right - my entire soul is telling me that a twisted stomach is not good.

Last night she slept like a rock, I awoke 4 times and was extremely anxious. I'm not anxious at all now. I am calm, I am in control and I know what i want from my life.

I will definitely speak about my control issues during IC, but a person should always go with your gut... the calm one, not the twisted turning excuse for one.