More detachment, anxiety and the joys of limbo

[Phoebe]

Ramble away, doodler. You're right - it really does seem strange that OM's wife would encourage their closeness.

I wish I were feeling better, but I'm just heading further down the spiral toward... I don't know what. Just in case anyone is worried, I am not a danger to myself, but I feel just awful.

I don't want to file, I don't want to be divorced, I wish I didn't know all those things I learned, and then I would be no worse off than I was, but you can't unring a bell. I know I need to protect myself. I am in distress. My H has absolutely no idea the damage he has done, and he doesn't care.

I've lost another 2 pounds. As a friend of mine said, most women in the US would be like "cry me a river," but now when I get on the scale it's just like I can look at my struggles as a concrete number and it feels like weakness, a failure to even be able to meet my own most basic needs. I put on clothes that fit just a month ago, and they're falling off already. And this is with me TRYING, making an effort to eat on a regular basis, but if I drop my efforts for even a couple days, another couple pounds disappear. At this point I have now lost 31 pounds. I'd rather be happy than thin.

I get comments that I'm getting too skinny, that I'm harming myself. No one seems to understand that I WANT to eat more, that I WANT to feel better. I can't out-think any of this. MY brain telling me that I really am OK doesn't make me FEEL like I'm OK.

Anyway: activities for the day - I go see my GP this afternoon, though I already had my meds adjusted. I have my chickens out free-ranging for the afternoon ( I really do enjoy them) so I'm keeping my eyes on them, laundry, other sundry tasks. Letting myself feel the pain when it comes, as denying it certainly hasn't helped.

Tomorrow is fully scheduled: My grief counselor tomorrow morning, along with the 4 hours of driving that entails. I have my regular therapist in the afternoon, a second appointment this week because I'll take all the support I can get. A meeting in the evening that I go to with my Mom, and we always tack on little side trips like grocery shopping or thrift shopping.