Originally Posted By: sandi2 A lot of women want to live the single life and keep a foot in the M, too. They want the best of both worlds. We call it cake eating. They usually want all the advantages they had in the M, without the disadvantages. You know, like enjoying family times together. Doing things "as a family".......and of course, it's always "for the sake of the kids". No, it's for the sake of the WW! Everything is about her. She will still want to rule the roost, and partake in family events, maybe even have her time to cry on your shoulder when things don't go like she thought they would, or she'll expect you to run over ever times she beckons...........you know, kind of like she is still playing the role of your W, but she's not really.
Sandi, what you described is what my WW envisions as "amicable co-parenting." Even though she's knee-deep in our divorce proceedings, she still goes out to dinner with my son and I and we drive together to his baseball games. She's getting half my paycheck for alimony and child support, yet she demands that I pay for various things up front.
Maybe you can come over to my thread to help me strategize the best way to steer this to my advantage?
The WW's definition of amicable co-parenting is "cake eating". I have seen both the WW and the LBH'S use their kids for an excuse all through this forum. The WW gets her need for feeling like a family, and the H gets to be near her. But it is twisted and it does work toward the WW ending her A and wanting to be a real wife to her H.
I believe a H should look at this as if he were remarried and had a life with someone else. Would he invite his ex-WW to have dinner with him and the kids? Would he take her to the games and sit with her as though they were still M? Would she be included in the family events? Not if he intended staying M to his new W!
And let's say she got M to someone else. That would put the brakes on her inviting herself to join you and the kids.
My grown children are divorced. After the initial pain finally settled, they had the most amicable divorces of anyone I have ever known. But the ONLY time their ex's were included in the family gathering has been when there was a death. When the kids have something special at school, we all attend and are friendly......but we don't ride together and sit together b/c the ex's are M to other people. (Btw, the ex's were both involved in affairs......FWIW). There will always be things with the kids that bring the two sides together at the same location or event.
You may not want to use what I've suggested as any type of guideline. Your WW is taking full advantage, as usual. When she doesn't get her way, she pulls the "amicable co-parenting" card. Now there may be some nuts on the Internet who suggests doing what she wants, but from what I have read..........nothing was ever said about the parents acting as though they are still a couple, joining together to have meals or go to games, or whatever. It seems to me that would be more confusing or get the hopes up for the kids. So, she is still using you and pushing you around, just like before.
She is not going to change as long as you cater to her. She has the best of both worlds, and she knows it. Want my honest advice about your situation? Drop her! That's the only hope in getting back the real W you want. She still has you! Can't you see that? You have to drop her and stop playing as if you are still a couple. It's not fair to the kids, and it is not the definition of amicable co-parenting. It is the definition of the selfishness of a WW cake eating. Stop the spoiling, once and for all.
So, step # 1 is to drop her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
