Headed for D - Trying to move on

[J5K]

Link to old thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...887#Post2669887

I feel like I have been defeated by my W.

The damage both financially and emotionally is huge for a family of 7. I need to focus on work and minimize the financial loss for this family and let her take the boys and raise them.

Somehow I need to give her space even if we are headed for D.
Maybe if she sees that the boys will miss their dad she may reconsider things. I most likely don't think she will but I cannot think about the future. I can only react to what she does and hope that I can forgive and release my resentment so I can build a better relationship.

I feel alone without her. I can only imagine how alone she felt while I was working all those hours and she was taking care of the boys.

[dream]

from your previous thread...

I get when they are older if they want to come live with me that is fine, but now that they are young they should be raised by mom.

Why should they be raised by mom because they are young? They are boys that NEED their father!! Don't you want to be a good male role model for them??

Even if I ended up with custody of them I would end up living in a 2 bedroom place with my boys. I cannot afford to put them in that situation.

You think she is going to be able to find something better? Besides, it's not about the size of your house. It's about taking care of your family.

I cannot in good conscious put a 2 year old in a car to take a 9 hour round trip every other weekend so I will just have to go see my boys or have her drop them off in Michigan once a month and take them on occasional long weekends and holidays.

It is too risky to spend 40 to 50K for this D. It will wipe us out.

You're OK with seeing your boys only once a month??

You don't have to spend so much money on lawyers, you can represent yourself. At the same time, how can you put a price on your children? I don't think you should back down, but only you can decide what's best for you and your family. She can only take them to Toronto with your permission. Otherwise, it's kidnapping. You don't have to let her control what happens with your family.

Maybe if she sees that the boys will miss their dad she may reconsider things.

She's not going to see that. She's going to do whatever she wants because you're letting her be in charge.

[tfish08]

It seems to me that you weren't defeated ...you gave it away willingly. Your boys need you to fight for them. My family was a family of 6 in a one bedroom apartment growing up and guess what ? we survived it. Your wife left...she moved...she abandoned her boys...You have a say. If you are giving up then call it that..

[CWOL]

Jim,
Take decisive action and don't wallow between giving up and filing for divorce. One day you are trying to gain custody of them, next you're giving them away for potential "visits" with you, all because of money.

[J5K]

So today W and I get email about S6 and how good his behavior was in class today. W has been back since Monday and we are doing nesting plan.

Still NC with her.

[dream]

What's the nesting plan?

[TimR]

Jim I gotta agree with everyone else on this. You won't mind some other guy raising your kids? You won't mind that when your kids get older they are not going to look at you as a father but the guy who gave up on them?

My kids are not even really my kids, biologically... however they are MINE and I will always be there for them. I can not tell you how hard I would fight for them. In fact fight would not be the accurate word, I would go to war for them. He11 I am even a lawyer and rather than doing it myself I retained another lawyer. Before you say well you have the money cause your a lawyer should know a vast majority of my check goes to student loans. Luckily things with my WW are smoothing out, but look at my thread and you will see how prepared I was.

Point is they are your boys and need you, you should be willing to move heaven and earth for them.

[J5K]

dream,

The nesting plan is the boys stay in the marital home and W and I alternate overnights until D is final.

I get Monday and Tuesday, she gets Wednesday and Thursday, and we alternate the Friday and weekends.

[Painter]

headed for D - No reconciliation [Re: tfish08]



The problem is I will not have any financial support from family. We will be spending thousands of dollars on Ls. I will not be able to afford a big enough house to keep the boys. For some reason, I think her mother will give her money to get a townhouse for them to live in Toronto. I cannot spend all that money, she will not budge on physical custody. She wants it. It will be difficult for me to raise 5 boys so young. I get when they are older if they want to come live with me that is fine, but now that they are young they should be raised by mom. I get both points of view just need to decide which route to take. It's not that I don't love the boys, I love them with all my heart. I am sure they will understand at some point in time when they are older why I let them go. I don't want to take the gift I promised to support her with just to be spiteful even though I agree with most that she should work.

From you last thread above - I'm seeing a lot of assumptions here and some of them don't seem logical.

If you are the breadwinner, why can't you stay in your home?

Why do you think your L bills would be so insanely high?

[Squiggy]

Jim,

It saddens me to return after a while to see you rolling over and giving up on your children. You have shown a pattern of being all doom and gloom with priorities I cannot understand, such as money over your children.

What is really getting in the way of your own personal growth?