Thank you Sandi, I do agree that she is only doing things for her interests and wanting things that suit her despite how it may affect me or the kids.
The only things I got from her really was that she had analyzed all the data and that there were pros but not enough, but since so much blame was being put on me, I know this is 'normal' for this situation.
I know I'm early in this process, she has only been out of the house for 6 weeks, I do know she has this group at work that have taken her under their wings and I guess that makes my situation harder. I've really only had her wanting me to fix her phone so far, but she does tend to call as opposed to text it email that I have suggested, she always wants to have these little chit chats when I pick up the kids, maybe this is her way of trying to keep the connection but then I guess that's me trying to read an irrational and unlogical mind...
It is hard keeping any kind of faith and hope in someone that seems to be able to forget 10 years together ( or more in many cases) so quickly. I understand that there are things that have been there longer and I understand my role in causing damage to the relationship, I know I go into a downward spiral when I start taking a lot of the blame onto myself for where we are now. I know that patience and time are to be my friends if I want to keep that small sliver of hope.
I guess for me I struggle with my own reasons for keeping hope, am I just trying to save my marriage because of my kids which I know is not necessarily a good enough reason or do I truly see a better future for us all. I always believed, even through our struggles that we would turn that corner and our life would take off as it has been a roller coaster. Now instead of getting off that one, we are on a completely different one, or at least I am. I know that so many of us struggle with the same thoughts of are we actually missed at all because it seems so easy for them to just set us aside. I do know that if I didn't have kids, I would walk away easier, I wouldn't stay here, I would just pack up and go back home and leave her all the crap to deal with, but it is my kids that keep me here, that make me feel deep down that I want to put my family back together and turn it into the wonderful family I always thought it would be..
W has said in several occasions that she has seen how much better I am with the kids cause like I have mentioned before, I was a pain in the ass at times last year when building our house, exhausted and impatient. I am really happy with my relationship with the kids, they used to be very clingy to their mother and I was worried that when I picked them up it would be a challenge for them to leave her but they come no problem, my D3 always comes and hugs me, holds onto me even when W is still standing there. I have worked hard at keeping myself and their lives as stable as possible. I have had a few occasions where I have had them fall asleep on me while sitting on the couch. I just love having both of them in my arms. They are what keep my going and if W wants to paint me as just a family man, I will never say I want to be anything else. My family is so important to me and it does hurt me deeply that I hurt my best friend and partner so much that this happened.
If you are trying to find hope by looking at her, and I think you are, then your ship will sink.
Whenever the H puts his life on hold, letting his WW decide what it will be.......then she's not interested. She knows he is waiting for her. She knows he's still there for her. It is when he drops the rope and stops looking back to see how she reacts that has more affect on both their lives.
Once you really drop the rope, then she will start to wonder if she's truly lost you. Until she thinks she has lost you, then she's not going to be concerned.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sorry Sandi, I understand that this is the whole goal of detaching and dropping the rope. I know I'm still in the 'act if' stage and that is why your advice for dealing with her is so much appreciated. I don't talk to mutual friends about her, don't ask them questions about her. I haven't put my life on hold physically as I do get out with friends and meet new people, try new things but I know mentally I haven't quite got there yet.
Thank you for the kick in the ass too, I need the brutal truth at this moment in time. I guess that is my big question, does she really fear losing me? But my only way to find out is to drop the rope and move forward regardless. Feel free to hit me with the 2x4 anytime you see fit as looking back over my mistakes and regrets is something I am working on in IC.
So with the help of my IC, he pointed out that I have been stuck in self blame mode for the past couple of weeks when on my own. He helped me see that I was taking all the blame for the situation I am in. Thankfully he gave me some pointers and with your comments Sandi and a couple of friends I'm pulling myself round again. I know deep down that I will be fine on my own, that I can be a wonderful father to my kids ( my D says she wants to stay with me always), that I have a lot of positive attributes, I just need to keep believing in myself in the moments of struggle.
I have taken your advice Sandi in my interactions with W and thank you for this.
Like you said Sandi, when I didn't fix her phone and didn't have time to stay and let her talk during the last kids pick up, she has got mad. I'm not going to let it bother me as you tell me to. She didn't put the correct amount of money in the account and still wants a copy of her phone bill that is on my account before she will give me the money. Time to go cancel it then like I told her I would, I'm not running around sending her copies of bills.
My mistake for the water bill, I read the 179€ at the bottom of the page and not the 565.10€. I will fix that shortly. It is a shame that we can't work together for something as simple as the phone, and that you feel the need to incur extra cancellation costs. But maybe you are right, it is for the best.
Of course, now I see that a joint investment property is also not such a good idea.
All because I'm supposed to run around sending her copies of bills etc. what fun this life is turning out to be..
Feels like I just got challenged to see if I would go cancel her side of the contract. She also made a point to tell me she wasn't in the office, hadn't been since last week and wouldn't be till Monday. Feel like I was supposed to ask where she was, I don't have any intention of doing so.
Sandi, you warn us to gear up for everything and anything. I had some struggles last week but seeing clearer every day of what needs to be done. Still have work to do but we need to get there. That's why your feedback on so many threads Sandi is so appreciated. You are a wonderful person to put so much time into complete strangers. Thank you, no matter what my outcome may be, I am learning a lot from you.
Well, you are very welcome for any help I may give. Sometimes I feel like I'm seen as the Grim Reaper, so I appreciate your encouraging words.
Some WW's act like spoiled children. If they don't get their cake, they throw a little fit. When you were running over there to repair things, or stay for her to talk about herself (selfish need), she was getting cake. When you don't comply, she's going to act out.
The email was her punishing you. She pulled out the guilt card......which is one of the favorite cards a WW will use on the H. (Another favorite card is blaming the H for wanting to control her). Just don't respond. Anytime she doesn't ask a direct question, it doesn't need a response. It takes some guys time to realize he doesn't have to jump every time she says frog.
She is use to getting her way, so expect her to play these silly games until she sees you are not the kind of man she can push around. Then, she'll really start with the games......to check your emotional temperature about the relationship. She may try acting pitiful and sqeezing out some tears........or tempting you sexually.......or suddenly being soooo sweet........or any number of things. Please don't make the mistake that other LBH'S have made and think it is some kind of positive sign and get your hopes up about it. It is part of the process, in order for her to see that you have changed and become a stronger man. A man that she will learn to respect.
Good job.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, I certainly don't see you as the Grim Reaper, more like a guardian angel in helping so many. Or maybe our wing woman in learning about what we are experiencing. I have seen some of her games, looking back when she was still in the house, it has been much easier to pull back now she is out on her own.
I didn't respond and will go cancel her contract like I told her I would. I'm guessing I should be expecting some retaliation when I do?
