Weeding and watering

[mustardseed]

I do feel like I am getting stronger. I am definitely seeing more clearly which is a step in the right direction.

He still can get in my head, I am just better at not reacting. And, I recognize when I start to cycle into those obsessive thought patterns. That is when I start reading up on Narcissitic abuse and sociopaths. It helps me keep it in perspective and avoid letting the negative self talk consume me.

Today I was reading this http://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/03/t...-their-victims/
And it really explains to a tee what my life with H was like. It also concerns me to know that I no longer can buffer my kids from it--of course when I was there to buffer it I was also clouded and confused by what was happening so I guess I wasn't much help anyway.

I am taking a different approach of just building up. Recognizing when the kids engage in negative self talk (two teenagers it is a given they will, but I am still being extra vigilant) and reiterating the message that we all make mistakes and that we are human and loveable, and special, but not perfect and that is just fine. We will make mistakes, and they don't define us--what we inevitibly learn from them is what makes us who we are and who we are becoming. I've been reading some postive messages that state that how we handle the mistakes was what defined us, but I don't agree with that either, because we aren't always going to handle them wonderfully. And that's ok too. We just keep trying to do it a little bit better every time.

So while I was feeling a bit bummed about the reality that OW is now definitely "the one" for the time being--the more I read and the more I see that I did not lose the prize--he is more like the hot potato and she is the one who happens to be holding it right now. She has no idea what ride she is in for--although she might be cut from the same cloth. They just might beat each other down--as long as my kids aren't put in the middle of it then they can have at it.

I got a transcript from my L regarding the most recent court situation and I am really feeling for his L--I think that she is also being played by him. He never pays for anything, uses his charm to get people to work for him for free and takes total advantage. If he ends up agreeing to pay for services he usually finds away to finagle himself out of it or attacks when it is time to collect. Taking on this case was a huge mistake for her--not only is she losing money, but she has also put her reputation on the line. But that is her mistake to make. And the more I learn about what has been going on on there end, the less respect I have for him. Makes it so easy to truly not care.

V you were an absolute gift to me. Without you I would still be caught in the cycle.