More detachment, anxiety and the joys of limbo

[Phoebe]

Thank you SadHub. It certainly was information I could have happily lived without finding, but if it gets me to the place I need to be to protect myself and take care of my own future, then I guess it was the kick in the butt that I needed.

It just sux.

Strangely , I'm not feeling as upset as I thought I might right now, though I could burst into tears if I think about any of it too closely. Maybe it's just the level of disgust I am feeling with H now, and the feeling that there is so much less uncertainty. I can't sit by and watch my security disappear, so I need to move forward, even if it's not what I wanted. My old H is gone and I don't recognize this new person, and I really don't want to. I don't share any of the values he is exhibiting, and again, I don't want to. I used to think that he was the best person I knew, and now I don't see anything to admire in him.

I just talked to another lawyer, and scheduled another appointment for Monday. He advised me not to choose anyone based on how quickly they can get me in. Probably good advice. He also advised me that I really need to call a lawyer in H's state because it may be a struggle to prove my residency here. So complicated and such an unwelcome development.

[Vanilla]

Get yourself an L as soon as.

Interview and find yourself a bulldog.

Sometimes just facing the truth is enough to create a spell break for you.

Big hugs

V

[Phoebe]

Ugh. Now I called a lawyer in H's state, and all I could do was leave a message.

I actually said on the message "I'm considering initiating a divorce, but... it's not what I want." This is the worst. I don't want it, but I know I need to do it. I want my old life back, but I know it's gone.

I want my old H to suddenly come back form the undead and re-inhabit his body, complete with moral standards and without the pathological lying capabilities. If wish were horses, beggars would ride...

Such a mes. One minute I tell myself he's a disgusting human being, and the next I'm back to mourning the loss of the person I once knew and all the good he once brought to our life together. He's gone now.

[Phoebe]

So I went for another walk with my friend today, and she just kept asking me if I was OK. I'm really not.

I'm all the D words today - dejected, disgusted, depressed, demoralized, distressed.

So yeah... today is not OK.

[CWOL]

Phoebe,
It's hard to hear about your WH's betrayal, but I think in the end it's better to find out now rather than later. You could cut your emotional investment and truly Detach without wasting your time to get what is not attainable.
Good luck with everything.

[JksD]

(((Phoebe)))

You're spinning. It's good to get legal advice first to protect yourself but maybe you could hold off filing first?

Just get the advice and have your ducks in a row. Then maybe you can give yourself some time to cool off a bit first?

[doodler]

Phoebe,

I hope you're feeling better today.

I just saw the message that you left on CWOL's thread. I've read a lot about the affair "fog" and when it comes to EA, the fog seems to be particularly thick because without the elements of PA, the EA is easy to dismiss as "just friends."

I'm in a really weird situation though; my wife is head-over-heals in love with her special friend. As she explains it, it's a special kind of love, like two very close siblings. I'd discovered that for quite a while they went to lunch together every week day, they went on multiple breaks together during the day, and they were texting and calling each other all day long. They had more interaction than we had when my wife and I were courting. Here's the weird thing though, my wife is friends with his wife. His wife actually seems to push him toward my wife. Is that weird or is that weird? My wife claims it's because his wife trusts him. I asked the MC about that (I was actually doing IC after my wife refused to go to MC) and she said, "Some women are like that." Wow!

Anyway, thanks for letting me ramble on your thread. Again, I hope you're feeling better.

[SH_]

Phoebe,

I am sorry yesterday was a difficult one for you.
I wanted to share some other D words that you are,
Decent, Determined, Dedicated, Delightful, Devoted, Dependable, and Devine.

I hope today brings you some moments of peace and opportunities to smile. You deserve both and as V always does for me, I am sending you some Rainbow hugs.

(((Phoebe)))

Be well today sweet Phoebe. Be well

[Phoebe]

Ramble away, doodler. You're right - it really does seem strange that OM's wife would encourage their closeness.

I wish I were feeling better, but I'm just heading further down the spiral toward... I don't know what. Just in case anyone is worried, I am not a danger to myself, but I feel just awful.

I don't want to file, I don't want to be divorced, I wish I didn't know all those things I learned, and then I would be no worse off than I was, but you can't unring a bell. I know I need to protect myself. I am in distress. My H has absolutely no idea the damage he has done, and he doesn't care.

I've lost another 2 pounds. As a friend of mine said, most women in the US would be like "cry me a river," but now when I get on the scale it's just like I can look at my struggles as a concrete number and it feels like weakness, a failure to even be able to meet my own most basic needs. I put on clothes that fit just a month ago, and they're falling off already. And this is with me TRYING, making an effort to eat on a regular basis, but if I drop my efforts for even a couple days, another couple pounds disappear. At this point I have now lost 31 pounds. I'd rather be happy than thin.

I get comments that I'm getting too skinny, that I'm harming myself. No one seems to understand that I WANT to eat more, that I WANT to feel better. I can't out-think any of this. MY brain telling me that I really am OK doesn't make me FEEL like I'm OK.

Anyway: activities for the day - I go see my GP this afternoon, though I already had my meds adjusted. I have my chickens out free-ranging for the afternoon ( I really do enjoy them) so I'm keeping my eyes on them, laundry, other sundry tasks. Letting myself feel the pain when it comes, as denying it certainly hasn't helped.

Tomorrow is fully scheduled: My grief counselor tomorrow morning, along with the 4 hours of driving that entails. I have my regular therapist in the afternoon, a second appointment this week because I'll take all the support I can get. A meeting in the evening that I go to with my Mom, and we always tack on little side trips like grocery shopping or thrift shopping.

[Phoebe]

Thank you so much for the list of positive D words, SadHub. That really made me smile, and I needed that today. You are very kind.

Another rough one, but I'm going to head outdoors with that new smile and see what my birds are up to and enjoy some sun.