Hello All! After lurking for awhile, I thought it would be best to step up to the bat and intro myself. Me 32 H 32 M 10 years Three kids 5 and under (so at some time I knew what I was doing) And a houseful of pets. I also work part time, and help care for my grandmother etc. And add in a few health problems on my part.
I belong to the ranks of the LD, but I'm working on turning it around. A few weeks ago I stumbled upon SSM book and got it from the library. Of course, being LD, I let it stay on the shelf until it was almost due, and then decided what the h@ll. Totally blew me away. It just clicked so much. I asked H if he wanted to read it and then we could discuss it. (Something I never do. I'm a big one on avoiding fights) Turns out he had read it the first night it was in the house. So we had a long talk and I'm on "the program". Which I put myself on, not him. While I know that those of you that are HD are beating your heads (or what have you) against the wall, there are some of us LD that are not too happy also (it just looks like it). My marriage has sucked, and not in a good way. So for the past couple of weeks I've been doing what I can to get the ball rolling.
It seems that a lot of LDers seem to be ok once they get into it, it's just starting and not feeling like you're doing something against your will. (That's a big thing) I'm learning a lot about turning off the brain and going with what feels good. I've also learned that a good H and a box of batteries does a lot to turn the brain off. It amazes me how much happier we both are. The dishes are now finding their way to the dishwasher and with a smile to boot. Go figure.
Anyways, before this turns into a novella, I just wanted to say hi and I hope we can all learn from each other.
BTW, I have an off sense of humor, so sorry in advance.
Quote: My marriage has sucked, and not in a good way. So for the past couple of weeks I've been doing what I can to get the ball rolling.
Heh heh...she said "ball"
As for having the chores done around the house with a smile, geeze, I wish you'd tell that to my wife. I do a lot around here, but grumpily. I'd whistle while I worked if I got a little action once in a while.
Again, welcome, and keep up the good work, you LD goddess.
I'll have to put "LD Godess" on my next tee shirt. Let's hope my S5 doesn't start reading soon. I don't want to have that conversation yet. Thanks for the welcome!
I like the attitude you express in your message - I'm new here too, but this really does seem like a constructive community where we can learn from each other. And it's been great seeing more LDs come out of the closet recently. We HDs really, really need to hear your point of view and the point of view of other LDs. If we don't, we'll just gripe to each other without learning much. Don't worry, we won't ask you to be the representative of all LDs, but hearing your experience is helpful.
Three kids 5 and under? That's a real challenge. Just finding a time that you and your husband are in bed, not exhausted, and not accompanied by children is a challenge.
But you've had some real success, and that's great! I wish there were some way for my wife to talk to some out-of-the-closet LDs without facing the pressure she would feel from HDs (including me) on this issue.
You will see a lot of compliments come your way for trying to work on this as an LDW. My W initiated the change but is not talking about it. The effort revitalized my interest in the R and now I'm a train-wreck because in the past I kept my heart in a tightly sealed box. Now I've become vulnerable which makes tiny things hurt a lot.
My point is this...you guys will probably have some good days and some bad during this process. Good luck and welcome to the club.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Welcome ttc, As others have said, you are the dream LD (although you did take a while to read the book whereas I notice that your HDH had read it on day one). It is important to keep up the momentum because if he is genuinely HD he will be an emotional wreck if you give up once the book is back at the library. Keep posting, ttc because we all need a success story to keep us fired up! SD
Quote: I wish there were some way for my wife to talk to some out-of-the-closet LDs without facing the pressure she would feel from HDs (including me) on this issue.
Wow, I think I just found a way to make my first million bucks. It's a service, run by me, of course, consisting of LD women who will go to our wives and tell them how important it is that they consider changing their ways. These "reformed LDs" will become mentors for the LDs, available by phone, 24/7/365. And they'll have to memorize 12 steps....
I can see it now....(picure becomes wavy, then clearer) There's a meeting, lots of women (and some pissed-off looking men) sitting in the audience. A speaker in front, stands up and grabs the microphone.
Jane: Hi, my name is Jane, and I'm a recovering LD. Audience: Hi Jane. Jane: It's been only four days since I've made love to my husband. Audience cheers loudly. Jane: It was really difficult because, even though the kids were at my mom's, and my husband had done all the laundry, had dusted and vacuumed the entire house, hadn't mentioned sex for days beforehand, and had been so sweet to me for weeks, I knew something was wrong. Audience: What was wrong, Jane? Jane: I knew (her voice catches, she chokes back a sob...then the dam breaks) I knew that the kitchen floor needed to be waxed! It hadn't been waxed in a week! (Jane regains her composure) Jane: So when my husband came up behind me and...and...and...touched me, well, I winced, because I wanted something long and hard in my hand, but it was a mop handle, not my H's handle of love. I pulled away from him and told him to go upstairs and get ready for me, and I promised I wouldn't mop. Instead, I called Sally, my LD counselor, and she talked me through my pain. She told me that rejecting my H for the mop handle would make him feel unloved. Even though I can't, for the life of me, understand why he would feel unloved, Sally told me to trust her, and, since she's a woman and therefore entitled to much more credibility than my H, I believed her. She helped by giving me some things to focus on as a walked upstairs to the bedroom. She suggested I imagine my H as a tall bronzed muscleman with a broom in one hand and a mop in the other. And, on his face, a big white smile. Imagine, said Sally, that he is saying he will wash the sheets after the passionate lovemaking session is over. On his chest is a big tattoo. It says, "After Ecstacy, Laundry." Well, that was all it took!
Anyway, you get the idea. LDs Anonymous. It could work.
Sounds like your problems are not just sexual. It is wonderful that you recognize the problem, most LD's do not until it is too late. What you and your husband need to do is identify your needs for each other. You also need to eliminate any habits that are problems for the other spouse. THE GOAL IS A GREAT MARRIAGE, NOT GREAT SEX. Great sex is part of a great marriage, but your goal need to be bigger for both of you. You probably need him to communicate, share feelings, and spend quality time with you ALONE. Tell him! Then he needs you to give him sexual fulfillment, and maybe be his recreational companion. So for starters, BOTH of you must make a commitment to ALWAYS work towards a great marriage. Tell him you want to make this journey TOGETHER. It is a journey that you never will finish, their is always more to learn. Great marriages require work to make them go. Both of you should set goals for the marriage, then review them and adjust then when necessary. It's all about making you a "Generous Wife" and making him a "Generous Husband".
As far as the sex goes, relaize that if he is HD, then sex IS HIS LIFE. It literally is part of his soul. It very likely is that Sexual Fulfillment is his #1 need whereas yours might be communication. Sex to a HD man is like communication to a LD wife. If you had a really bad day, you probably would like to sit and talk to him, and all you would want from him is empathy, not solutions. You would want him to listen to you. If he had a bad day, you would probably think, I should sit and listen to his problems. WRONG!! Most likely he would prefer SEX. Men are VISUALLY oriented (SEX) and not VERBALLY oriented(Communication). He would want to ML to you to reaffirm to himself that he is wanted, that the world is still ok, that he is a man, that he is still in control of some part of his life. For a HD man, his #1 goal in life is to have a "Lover". In effect we measure ourselves as men by weather we can please our "Lovers". If we feel we are not "Desired" by our "Lovers", then we have failed at life, we are not the men that we need to be. It shatters our self confidence.
Dr. Laura has it right, "Feed Him, Sex Him, and give him affirmation" and he will work to meet your needs until his heart explodes. You may need to remind him about the meeting your needs part occasionally.
Have your husband read all these books too and maybe point out what he finds most important. Make sure he reads the book for men about what women want and tell him what YOU find most important. Let's face it, neither sex understands the other, so we all have to start learning. The book about "What Men want Women to Know" is the best owners manual I have seen yet for how to maintain a HD guy. You will find that almost everything in the guys life in some way is related to his sexuality. The author really trys to explain how this works to the female reader.
Good Luck. Just the fact you are here puts you ahead of most LD women. Think "GREAT MARRIAGE"!
hairdog, I am nearly wetting myself laughing at your business proposition. I can think of some "reforming LDs" we could use (I say we because I will be opening the European office). There's honeypot, annette and luvhubby - I'm sure we could pass them off as "LDs" if we could just wipe the smile of their faces and the twinkle from their eyes. BTW how did you know about my tattoo? SD
So we had a long talk and I'm on "the program". Which I put myself on, not him. While I know that those of you that are HD are beating your heads (or what have you) against the wall, there are some of us LD that are not too happy also (it just looks like it). My marriage has sucked, and not in a good way. So for the past couple of weeks I've been doing what I can to get the ball rolling. 
It amazes me how much happier we both are. The dishes are now finding their way to the dishwasher and with a smile to boot. Go figure.