More detachment, anxiety and the joys of limbo

[Phoebe]

I've had a bunch of blood work, including thyroid levels, BG, metabolic, etc. Nothing.

So, things have changed markedly in the last few hours for me. I did some very basic internet research last night, and found way too much without even really trying, including the AP's identity, which led to more knowledge I didn't need to know. If I didn't know, nothing would have changed, but now I know, and I can't sit by and watch my financial future circle the drain, and I have lost what shred of respect I still had for him.

I found that he traveled to a warm foreign country just days after he abandoned me to go to a music festival and almost certainly took his AP with him - the photo that I saw of them both together matched all the greenery and hills in the photos he posted to his photo stream (no green grass and trees in the northeast since they met in 11/15, so the conclusion is obvious).

She was in my house out in the other state just a day or two ago, so that means she was in my bed because there is only one bed in the house, and then she had the audacity to post a photo from my home and list the town on her own photo stream.

I also found out that while he was in Europe last year on a business trip and told me the work had been extended by a week (while I was home, missing him!), that in reality he went traveling off on his own, instead. He posted pics from that, too.

Anyway, the bottom line is that I contacted a lawyer and I am going to file for divorce. I have to protect myself financially, and I am finally ready to do so. If I don't, then what's next? Will he buy himself another house with our money, buy her a sports car, take a few more trips around the world, using the assets we saved and skimped to accumulate over the last 25 years together? He's already blown over $12-15K, and that's just for the things I know about - the apartment and the likely cost of the two trips I found.

I lay awake all night until 6 am before I finally took Xanax to get a couple hours sleep. I am just so disgusted that the person I thought I knew has turned into this, a pathological liar with no moral compass. He has violated my trust by having an affair, by stealing our money for both an apartment that he didn't need (In AP's town, by the way) and selfish travel expenses, by physically abandoning me and literally running away from home, and by lying about it at every single turn.

He even lied and told me that his relationship with AP was nothing, he didn't love her, it was only "friends with benefits," a dead-end relationship because she was moving soon, etc.. Meanwhile I see they booked a date for mid May at an art exhibit and she's at MY HOME. Then there is the idea that he has been lying to me so easily for the last 3 years while he was out clubbing and I was here working on our property, all the while telling me he was going out with colleagues from work. I even encouraged him to do it because I thought it was good that he was bonding with his coworkers.

I gave him yet another opportunity to tell me anything else that he was hiding when I last saw him, and he said that there was nothing left that he had lied about. Lies on top of lies on top of lies.

I realized yesterday that the fantasy life he had constructed for the last few years hinged on my not being a part of his life, and when he walked away from me in December, it was just him bringing his dreams to fruition.

So, major changes and this is me officially dropping the rope. I am so disgusted and demoralized and discouraged right now. How did I not see this?

I had to reschedule my grief counselor session today because I wasn't up to 4 hours of driving, and I figured that doing grief work while I was angry wasn't going to be very useful.

I called my regular therapist, and told him, and he was very supportive. He told me that I needed to arrive at my own conclusions in my own time, but that he thought it was good that I was taking a proactive stance to protect myself.

All in all, a really crummy turn of events. I hope others are having a better day today.