1) Set your boundaries, but where possible, try to frame them as being about you. Otherwise, it looks like you're trying to control them, and what they want is to be safe and feel like they're in control of their desire to be with you. That's one half of what the detachment is for: you accept that you can only work on you, and let them decide what they will do for them. Communicate positively, try to figure out what it is they really want, and do your best to reflect that in your personality and behaviors... but never ever bring it up. Just do it.
2) I absolutely feel for you. I lost 40 lbs in a month. I still have trouble eating sometimes. I developed a terrible cough and sickness. It's the most stress you'll probably ever have. Let the bad thoughts shift around, but don't become a slave to them. GAL hard. That's the best thing you can do right now. You won't be able to do it all the time, and you're going to cry, rage, scream, and feel like the world is the most unfair thing in the world, because now you *know* what you should have been doing, and it's only fair you get one more chance... but the world isn't fair. You have to earn that chance. And, oddly, the only way to earn it is by not trying to earn it at all. Be the you she married, but better, more empathetic, and more ready to never, ever hurt the object of your love again.
Sandi has great advice. She is telling you from the perspective of a former WW. You need to be tough, but you don't get to be controlling. Had I run into her advice from the start and been willing to listen, I know my situation would have had a much greater chance of success than it currently does.
Don't lose hope, but know when to throw in the towel, too. You can't go on pining for reconciliation forever, and that's why you GAL.
