Good job on going to the movies with your brothers. That's a step towards detaching. And its good that it pisses her off. Let it. Keep working on your detaching; you're not there yet. Dropping the rope and detaching isn't about giving up. Its about not letting them control your emotional state by every little thing they say or do. You're still in that place so keep working on it. I know how you feel. I know how sick the thought of losing your W makes you. But its not until you truly let them go and are willing to walk away that you can begin to save your M.
Some of the best advice had seen in a bit. Being sick at the thought of losing her is understandable and something that all us have - and still do to some point - expercienced. This may sound very harsh, but she's already lost. I believe it was Sandi who said it best - (to paraphrase) there is no going back to what it was, if there is a rebuilding then it will be completely new. Kind of like dating all over again, I guess. But what was had is gone and was before the BD.
Take care of yourself first. It's kind of like living as if she weren't part of your life in any form and never was, if that makes sense. This is all about you now. I know it's hard and, hell, I can't fully follow my own stuff at times. This [censored], man.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
@darknes, well i'm not necessarily going to give her 70% - how do you actually share a child 50%, or should I rather contest for custody - but thats neither here nor there right now... So i'll worry about that when i get there, because i don't want to start an argument.
I finally have command over the house, its been clean longer than I could ever remember. I'm disciplining our S, and so is she, which both of us have never done. I'm even putting my son before myself, which i have also never done.
I've still got to improve myself in this mess, before i can think of another relationship. I realise that, one of many over the last month.
I know that I need to stick through this, is this what i signed up for, probably - i cant expect that I won't hit a rough patch after 10 years. Imagine that as a legacy.. So we had problems, and I divorced her after 2 months of problems. Yah, not exactly kosher.
I need to learn to stop spinning, control my emotions. I probably need to get a batman mask - because I do need to become one dimensional to her. I get that.
I need to plan on living my life without her in it, that's where it might go anyhows, I just need to try and sleep whilst doing that.
She's trying to cake eat by wanting to hold out on the D until the house is in my name, which will probably be in August. She will be able to get her own place by then. This will also buy me time to detach. I cannot make life comfortable for her, but i must not make it uncomfortable either - is that right?
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
@jeep, i know that i need to keep my distance and give her the space that she craves. I have one issue though...
I can see that she is acting like a randy 18 year old teenager. She has an extremely healthy sex drive and now a very big imagination to boot. I have a boundary about cheating, and she's not actually done that yet. But i can see that she might say yes to the first tom, dick and harry. If she does cheat, then she will be dead to me. I will contest for 100% custody and I will attach everything that I can to the divorce. That is a boundary that I refuse to allow to be broken.
Now, do i satisfy her craving in the hope that it will stop her from cheating or do i close my eyes and let her cheat - it is her choice - knowing that that will be the end of us anyhows?
I need as much input from as many people as possible please - Sandi i need your answer too. I cannot believe that i'm asking this question, i'm gonna hold back the tears.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
@jeep, i know that i need to keep my distance and give her the space that she craves. I have one issue though...
I can see that she is acting like a randy 18 year old teenager. She has an extremely healthy sex drive and now a very big imagination to boot. I have a boundary about cheating, and she's not actually done that yet. But i can see that she might say yes to the first tom, dick and harry. If she does cheat, then she will be dead to me. I will contest for 100% custody and I will attach everything that I can to the divorce. That is a boundary that I refuse to allow to be broken.
Now, do i satisfy her craving in the hope that it will stop her from cheating or do i close my eyes and let her cheat - it is her choice - knowing that that will be the end of us anyhows?
I need as much input from as many people as possible please - Sandi i need your answer too. I cannot believe that i'm asking this question, i'm gonna hold back the tears.
Ugh, I know the feeling.
What I am about to say may hurt, because I'm facing the same thing (in a way) and it bothers me a great deal. I'd be willing to bet that even if you did satisfy her needs, so to speak, what's to say she hasn't already? Remember the rule - believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see. Do you trust her enough to take her at her word? Also, when these spouses' mindset gets to that point, it doesn't really matter what you do/don't do. Hell, my wife had five sex toys sent to a friend's house and went on a sex binge, I guess you could say. I'm not sure if she still is, but she is out of state so it doesn't really matter anymore. I guess in their minds it's like a drug and liberating for them - some come out of it and some don't, as in my Ws case. Honestly, I think that if you do or don't satisfy it, the outcome will be the same.
What you must ask yourself is that are you comfortable giving in to her drives and can you separate just sex from feelings? If you do decide to go that route, one thing that will always pop into your mind is what happened.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
i know for certain, as the OP has turned her away because he's a devout christian and she's married. But i don't know when the next OP will come along.
If she is going to cheat, then i might as well file for D now. She's got a vibrator from work as a farewell gift, so that's keeping her busy, but for how long.
I know that i can't trust her and the day will come where i will suspect it, must i rather wait for that day to file?
I am able to separate sex and emotions, will be an experiment in detaching :-)
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
She's got a vibrator from work as a farewell gift, so that's keeping her busy, but for how long.
Lol, gotta laugh at that.
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
You are worrying to much about her. You need to focus on yourself. You can't control her or what she does. You do have to decide for yourself if infidelity is a deal killer for you. If it is and she does cheat, then you know how you will move forward. But right now, you can't worry about that because you have NO control over it. You shouldn't be thinking about filing for D just because you think she will cheat. Filing for D now will probably push her in that direction. You need to focus on your DB'ing instead of what she may or may not do.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Thank you for your input. Straying is a deal killer. unfortunately for her. I told her that if she cheats, then she is dead to me, been saying it for 10 years, so lets hope that its sunk in and is my only real boundary. She replied yesterday "now why don't you cheat and make it so that I never find out". WOW, that's so considerate.
So here's a run-down of the past 2 days...
Day 0 - Gave up on marriage Sandi said something about the fact that one must be willing to actually lose your marriage before you can truly detach. I think I did that on Monday.
Day 1 - Detach Pro's WW ran her own bubble bath WW dressed her own son, as I was busy cleaning the kitchen WW drove to the shop to buy milk (3 things she's never done before). It appears that she has seriously moved on from OP in local city
Cons My stomach is turning a little whilst i type this, but i realise that its the dread of her cheating on me. Thats that feeling now. She appears to have started to fantasise about an OM in the UK, we're in South Africa.
So this will now be day 2 of detach. I need to prepare for the event that she will cheat on me. She will be punished. if she does so, but i can only trust her as far as i can see her. She says she is not too keen on going to Victoria Falls next month, and will rather go to back to the city where the local OP is for those 4 days "to visit her FF" (perhaps one last chase, oooh exciting). This will be the last time that I can say for certain that she has not cheated.
I know that you all say, do not move too soon, but I will not sacrifice my strongest value for someone else. So either she goes with on the holiday or I treat her as though she has cheated when I return. Talk about a good excuse to detach!
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
