Why is Raven black?

[ciluzen]

Thanks Job. Still not sure about how good my work is. I'm just muddling through like everyone else. It has been very hard having so much contact with H. I almost start to feel "normal" with him and then something said or done will jolt me back to reality. As much as I have on my mind and try to live my own life right now, this does cause me to think about him and miss "having" him as my H.

I did call and tell our agent that she could have the photographer out on Monday. Then it can be out there on the market, for sale sign up and everything. After that its just a matter of maintaining the house. My job.

I ended up taking the day off yesterday, just to try to get more done. H came out in the afternoon to help me put up a few fence rails...we drove in to town together for supplies and chatted about things.

He had been up at the vacation home again last night. He asked me what I wanted to do with my kayak. He was worried that if I left it up there that "everyone" would want to use it and it would get broken or ruined. He said he thought of hiding it or telling people it was off limits, but he didn't want to police the situation (or unspoken, be the bad guy). He said he wanted me to have it...to want to have it. That brought about mixed feelings.

While it was a nice gesture (I will take it...its mine), it also made it clear that I would not be there when others were there. No more watching the kids play and playing with them. No more being "fun auntie C". I know he was trying to protect something I cared about, but H doesn't realize how much that drove home what I would no longer have in my life that I really enjoyed.

He called later as he was getting home. He thanked me for all I had done to ready the house and for all of my hard work in general. He kept telling me thank you for paying our taxes. And then at the end he sort of trailed off and said thank you for putting up with me. That was a phrase he used when telling me why he felt unloved by me. That I only tolerated and PUT UP WITH HIM. I glossed over that at the time and just thanked him for helping me with... everything.

Then I started overthinking. Which led me to call him later. He didn't answer. When he called back he told me he had turned his ringer off and had fallen asleep in front of his tv. I don't think he had ever turned his ringer off when we were together. whatever. I brought up his comment about "putting up with him" and told him I never put up up with him...I did things with him because I cared for him. (I know...major pursuing behavior). He paused, then said he was talking about how he had been consistently showing up much later than he had been saying he would. His tardiness. ugh. whatever.

Yes, I still have a long haul in the detaching area. He still has his struggle, but I guess I'm afraid that even when we aren't working on the house together, I may not have mattered enough for him to EVER feel my loss when I'm gone. We have fun and are comfortable together, but what does that mean to someone who is convinced I just tolerate him?