5 weeks in since she said she doesnt love me.

[Natus]

After this morning I asked her out for lunch today.

I know i know i am not suppose initiate contact, surprisingly she agreed. Before i didn't think this was possible since BD.

We had a pleasant-ish lunch, we talked about worked. She asked about my counseling session which i initially overshared that i needed yesterday's session because i was in a bad place. She tried to ask more but i asked her nicely if we could talk about something else.

She looked surprised that i didn't want to share, there was an awkward silence before she asked me about my day at work.

During the lunch before food came she looked really down. I reached out across the table and put my hand on hers and asked gently whats wrong. She didn't pull her hand away (also new) but before she could say anything food came.

While picking at our food she brought up her lawyer friend who was coming to dinner on Thursday. I offered to get out of her hair and watch our son so she can talk freely with lawyer friend but she said no need, she wasn't going to ask about "that" (separating or divorce). I thought that was weird.

Driving her back to work was a little awkward, i think we both didn't know what to say or you know act. I commented about how its been awhile since we had lunch together. She agreed. Then i stupidly added "i like it" (the lunch). She just nodded. I was mentally kicking myself for not shutting up.

During the entire trip she kept fiddling with her thumbs or bag strap. I am convinced she wants to say something. I don't know if its a good or bad thing. To be honest my mind wondered to the negative, that its probably about OM. So my shields came back up.

Dropping her off she said "see you later" again.

This is a weird day for me. I have convinced myself she has chosen OM over me and am emotionally trying to detach but now shes being softer around me. Help me god i want to bash someones head in.

Also its been almost 2 months since we had any intimacy (she completely outright rejected me since BD and we didnt have any for a few weeks before) and ummm lately i have been getting hyper sexual day dreams about my wife - at inappropriate times too.

Porn is not working, neither is the flesh light i bought.

I am actually afraid to sleep in the same bed as her now. I am convinced that if i do i am going full werewolf. I guess i am sleeping on the couch again tonight even though she told me i didn't have to. Suffice to say i haven't told her about this.