More detachment, anxiety and the joys of limbo

[Phoebe]

Thank you, GWH. I need that reminder sometimes.

[SH_]

Thank you Phoebe for sharing that info. Good stuff for me to know. I know right now that with the events I am going through it may be hard for me to tell if it is natural to feel as awful as I do or if it is side effects.

I will keep a close contact with the doc and I am currently working to see a psychiatrist for therapy to go along with it. Also the IC and my church leader.

I have only been taking them about half a week, but was feeling worse, but all things considered......

I am doing much better this evening and my D17 and I are hanging out and planning out the week and how to replace some stuff that was ransacked. Also we are working to stay in contact with people and meet new ones so we don't sit around with this funk and depression.

Thank you Phoebe for being such a great support and for sharing this info.

Your the best.

[JksD]

Hi, a driveby hug to let you know I am keeping up with you sitch.

I am on ADs too and for me, they are total lifesavers. It doesn't take away the grief totally but it does take the edge off.

I still need to learn to stop my thoughts and self-soothe.

But you're on the right track. Keeping busy is the best way to distract yourself.

[Phoebe]

Hi, and thank you for the drive-by, JksD.

I wish my meds were having any effect at all, because I am surely in need of having the edge off this sadness.

This morning I got an admin-type email from H, with the up to date balance of one of his retirement accounts. No hello, how are you, just telling me he forgot to get the info to me earlier and wanted to be transparent about this. He did say it was an account "we" own, but that was the only semi-positive thing to be gleaned.

It made me start crying again because he just is so casual and detached. I am so sick of crying every. single. day. I know it must sound pretty lame, me whining all the time. At first after H walked I cried a lot, but that kind of stopped after a couple weeks. Since the PA and "we're over" conversation, it's been happening more often until I'm now back to every day. WTH? It's like this terrible sadness is just barely under the surface now, waiting to pop up at any time, whereas it was in a much safer, deeper place for so long. Yesterday it popped out mid-conversation with my neighbor/friend. It's so embarrassing.

I thought this was supposed to get better over time. Another grief myth, playing out in real time.

I go see my psychologist today. I don't even know what he's doing for me, but I keep going.

[Phoebe]

SadHub, it helps me to know that I can be of some use to other people right now. I'm glad your'e having a better day.

[Phoebe]

So I think I kind of freaked out my therapist today. I've been telling him that I shake all the time since the very first time I saw him in February, and lately I've been telling him that I've been struggling more with sadness. Today is the first time he saw it, though, I walked in and was just not doing well, shaking like a leaf, the works...

He let the appointment run late so he could call my GP and get my meds adjusted immediately, instead of me waiting to see her on Wednesday. So, hopefully that will help, but it'll be another 4 full weeks to see the full effect.

Now he's really pushing for me to get myself into a DivorceCare session because he thinks I very much need more social contact and support from people in similar situations. And he wants me to think about taking a class, or anything else that will help be build a larger social network to help balance losing H.

Heading out for a walk with a friend this moment, so I really am working on GAL!! It's just not balancing the grief yet. Onward!!!

[Painter]

Phoebe, I am so sorry you're having such a rough time! Did you shake like this before they put you on meds? So you're sure it's not a side effect?

I wonder if you could get some help from alternative modalities. I would recommend trying essential oils, they have an amazing effect (you won't believe it until you try it) and can be quite powerful and work immediately for the nervous system.

I make a blend of oils in an almond oil base: Lavender, frankinscense, ylang ylang, and bergamot. All of those work great on their own, but the blend creates a wonderful scent and work better than either alone. You can both inhale it and put it on your skin, as long as it is properly diluted. This blend is for anxiety. (Bergamot and Frankinscense are for grief, as well.)

An Epsom salt bath is also profoundly relaxing, again much more powerful than you'd expect, especially if you combine it with the oils.

If there's a reflexologist in your area, these treatments can also give you amazing relief. Reiki is also wonderful.

I work in holistic medicine and the results I see are so powerful, most people who have not experienced it, are stunned. Some of them also involve touch, which is much needed in your situation.

[SH_]

Hi Phoebe,

My heart hurts for you having to go this long and then 4 more weeks to see if the new meds kick in. You are so strong to endure this and you are in my prayers that additional divine strength may come your way so that you may experience peace sooner than later.

I commend you for your can do spirit and for getting after it each day in spite of the grief.

(((Phoebe)))

Enjoy that walk!

[Cherry]

Big hugs lovely.

I'm glad to see they are sorting your mess with immediate effect. Hopefully they will help take the edge off enough that you can get up and go about your day.

Such strength and bravery is needed to do a lot of what you're doing. Be proud of yourself, and be kind to yourself. There's a lot of love for you here girl!

[Phoebe]

The shaking started the moment I realized H was gone, so it's been with me over 4 months, now, and definitely not a side effect. Sometimes it's subtle, like when the rest of me is functioning pretty well, sometimes the shaking is markedly obvious, like when I'm very upset. Today it was really obvious and I just kept trying to hide my hands through the whole visit, but the rest of me was shaking, too. I would have needed a blanket to hide that!!! : )

Honestly, it's enough that it affects my hand writing even on a good day.

We'll see how the next 4 weeks go, I guess. The walk was very nice, and my Mom is coming over in a little bit so we can do some sewing together. Monday night sewing club!!! It's nice to have a few plans.

Thanks for the nice thoughts, SadHub, Cherry, and Painter. I really appreciate the support you've given me.

I'm going to try out the Epsom salt bath this week, Painter, and maybe some aromatherapy, too. I love a nice hot soak, and I haven't had one since before Christmas. I know I've got to do more of that kind of stuff for myself.