Great hearing from you. I'm not happy that your H is still cake eating but I'm happy you are still here working on yourself. It's not your H putting your life on hold it's you. I think you still need time to process everything.
Hi Irish, it's interesting you say the above, my Mum says the same, that it is me putting my life on hold. It does confuse me though, because I feel like I'm waiting for H to make a final, definite decision. I don't feel like I have any other choice but to wait for him to do that. The only way I could not have my life on hold would be to tell him that I don't want him back. You're right, I do still need time to process everything, I am feeling very, very confused and torn about my feelings and I can't seem to make sense of it all.
Originally Posted By: IrishM
Your exercises are now competed. Is there a next step, more homework to work on with H?
H has been working nights since we last did the book. Finally tonight he asked how many more exercises there were left to do. I told him we'd already done the last one and he said he hadn't realised. He asked what is next so I read out the final paragraph to him. It suggests making a contract about how you will treat each other with respect in the relationship. Obviously it cannot apply to us as we have no relationship of the marital kind right now. H fell silent and then said he was going home as he was tired. I asked him what conclusions he drew from the book and he said he drew none. I asked where that leaves us and he said, "We continue moving forward." I asked what moving forward meant to him and he said he didn't know, he has no idea and no plans. (Arrrgggghhh!!) I just said, "Oh," and screamed internally. He then said he thought we should go out on our own and suggested our favourite restaurant.
I know I keep saying this, but I'm so confused. A few months ago I'd have been jumping for joy at H suggesting this, now I feel empty, afraid and numb. I know it is a huge step that everyone here would be so grateful for. His overall behaviour just irritates me now. The way he comes round and literally sits in a chair for hours on end. Is that the way he wishes to live now? To just sit surfing the internet whenever he isn't at work, or is it a "fog faze".
He also acted like a child tonight when our S had an outburst and threatened to 'just leave'. I worry so much about the negative behaviours he is showing our S. It makes me so sad.
When he left he kissed lent towards me and kissed my hair.
Originally Posted By: IrishM
To answer your question. My family and friends think that I should never ever take her back. She did this twice as well and abandoning the girls both times. I see that she is sick and like any other desease I would never quit on her and walk away. At the same time if she doesn't want to get better then I can't help her. She would have to do so much work. I let mine go and we'll see later on where she ends up. it's a long way away so I will live my life as if she's not coming back. Where I'll be later on will decide what I do. My choice. One thing for sure if she doesn't do everything she needs to do and is a complete person, I won't even look at her.
Thanks for answering my question Irish. It sounds like your family feel the same way towards your W as mine do to my H, and with good reason too. This also worries me. How could anything ever be right again when my family feel this way towards him?
Originally Posted By: IrishM
Until you are able to sit back and really see what you want for your life and you take full control of it, you will be in limbo. DB'ing and waiting for your H to cook is not limbo. He's the one in limbo. You are just watching him to closely.
Love those kids and love yourself :-)
Again I know you are right. I just don't know how to figure it out. I have so many conflicting thoughts:
I don't want to continue watching H treat S how he does yet I don't want the children to grow up in a 'non traditional' family unit.
I don't want to live the rest of my life without a partner yet I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect me and cherish me.
I don't know how I'm every going to make sense of it all.
Thank you as always for your post and help, I appreciate it so much Irish.
