14 days of sheer hell continues

[DDJ]

@Painter, well i could never control her drinking, as it is a symptom of her demons. I do need her to try and stay in counselling so that she can deal with those demons, but again that's her choice. I cannot choose what she wants to do, I can only choose what i want.

Tonight never went well though, she thinks i'm being petty for not making food for her. She feels she's her own person and does not need me to tell her what to do - which includes making her own supper and lunch.

Is it okay to give up? Is it okay to say that I don't want this person in my life? Is it okay to think that I can do better?

[Painter]

You can choose to do whatever you want. It's not what Divorcebusting is about, though, and not the choice the vast majority of the members here would make.

What do you stand for? What are your values? How do you judge your own character? What did you mean when you promised 'for better and for worse'?

How do you want your son to grow up? In a broken family, being shuttled between two parents, or in an intact family where he has access to both his parents all the time?

Are you filing for D to get back at your W? To try to limit the pain you feel? To take control (this seems to be something you come back to in your posts) of the situation?

Note how you went from 'I can't allow this' to 'I could never control her drinking'. But the consequence of what you're saying, is still that you're looking at leaving your 4 year old son with an alcoholic who passes out 5 days of the week. Is that the best for him?

Are you seeing a counselor? Have you gone to any Al-Anon meetings?
You have your own homework to do here.

Have you sat down and looked at what she feels is wrong with the relationship and what your part in it is? Do you agree with her? Disagree?

It looks to me like you have so much work to do...

[LiM]

DDJ,

You are running on anger right now. Slow down and take a deep breath. Its ok to be angry. Why wouldn't you be? But don't make decisions out of anger. I sense that you are taking these steps to "get her." That's not what DB'ing is about. DB'ing is to save your marriage. Its ok if you don't want that. Its fine to walk away if you feel its not worth fighting for. But make sure you take a long hard look at what you want.

[DDJ]

@painter, I know what I stand for, I don't want a drunk wife.i don't want my son around her drunk family either. I have sacrificed my own values for the last 10 years for someone else. My WW is so stubborn that I have always been unable to gain her respect. She can control her use of alcohol,when she wants to. My mother does not like woman that drink but my wife has always refused to not drink at least one drink in her company.she says because she's her own woman.

Ive also realised that I've been wandering myself for the last few years. Resenting her for her lack of respect, not respecting her and almost kissing another girl, just a few months ago

Perhaps that is why I think that a divorce could be exactly what I need. I was fantasising about having a first kiss not so long ago. It's a way out, a new beginning, an excuse to be wayward. This could be why I'm not too concerned about my son, only thinking of my impending freedom.

I have lost control, just like her. I need to focus, find out what I really want and then just do it. Counselling is set for tomorrow so will think long about what I want. But right now,I feel most free with a decision to divorce, and a new beginning.

[DDJ]

But my stomach turns when I think about losing her...

[DDJ]

I don't think that I can take this anymore, I just want the hurting to stop. Sandi2 speaks about dropping the rope, I think i threw it away yesterday. I think that i decided to walk away.

My WW just called me, saying that she "still loves me so very much, but she can't bring us back". I don't know how to make the wandering stop, I know that I must continue to detach.

I don't think that that book can come fast enough!

[DDJ]

So WW emails me to say that she and son could move in with her dad, so that i don't worry where she goes. I'm happy since he's very authoritative and wants her to not get divorced.

I say "ok, do you want to move out this wknd?". She then replies, that she's going nowhere. I can't deal.

She got really upset yesterday because i'm going to watch the new Captain America movie without her, going with my brothers. I've killed those relationships due to GF's and W and I now have time to rebuild them. I think i miss those relationships more than my marriage.

[LiM]

Good job on going to the movies with your brothers. That's a step towards detaching. And its good that it pisses her off. Let it.
Keep working on your detaching; you're not there yet. Dropping the rope and detaching isn't about giving up. Its about not letting them control your emotional state by every little thing they say or do. You're still in that place so keep working on it.
I know how you feel. I know how sick the thought of losing your W makes you. But its not until you truly let them go and are willing to walk away that you can begin to save your M.

[mustardseed]

@sandi2, I have read all of cadet's homework. I am on this site every second when i'm at work. Luckily there is nothing else for me to do, so am schooling myself.

I am yet to commit to buying a book, but know that I have to. Its not available as an ebook tho, so what would i tell the wife when i start reading such a book? I don't normally read.

@Painter, she has always been drinking as a way to deal with her problems, and I have always allowed it. I cannot allow it anymore, and she's been more sober over the last month than any that i can remember. So no, I have not spoken to a lawyer, as she can control her liquor intake, but shes never been given a proper boundary. I did threaten to leave her 1 year into our R if she did not get some control, this lasted a month and then i just let it happen. I cannot let it happen anymore, not in my house.

My library had the book. I took it out numerous times before buying.

[MoveFrwd]

don't want a drunk wife.i don't want my son around her drunk family either.

So youre going to give her over 70% custody?

My WW is so stubborn that I have always been unable to gain her respect.

Instead of worrying about her, lets talk about you. What have you done to earn her respect?

Ive also realised that I've been wandering myself for the last few years. Resenting her for her lack of respect, not respecting her and almost kissing another girl, just a few months ago

Exactly. You didnt respect her or your marriage. So, you think the easiest thing to do is get a divorce. Throw it all away and start over. What makes you think your next marriage will be better? According to google, "statistics show that in the U.S., 50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second, and 74% of third marriages end in divorce."

Perhaps that is why I think that a divorce could be exactly what I need. I was fantasising about having a first kiss not so long ago. It's a way out, a new beginning, an excuse to be wayward. This could be why I'm not too concerned about my son, only thinking of my impending freedom.

Why you are not too concerned for your son? What the heck are you talking about? Do you think this wont impact him? Come back when he's inconsolable about missing his mom while hes with you. What do you think you are teaching him about the value of marriage? "An excuse to be wayward"?? What are you teaching him about how to treat women?

I don't know how to make the wandering stop

Hers? If anyone knew, theyd be super rich. She's going to do what she's going to do. Dont choose your actions based on what you think or hope she will do.

So WW emails me to say that she and son could move in with her dad, so that i don't worry where she goes. I'm happy since he's very authoritative and wants her to not get divorced.

I say "ok, do you want to move out this wknd?". She then replies, that she's going nowhere. I can't deal.

Like this. You thought she would be all for it. You would get her into a better situation for your M. Then she turned back on her thoughts and you're spinning.

I don't think that I can take this anymore, I just want the hurting to stop.

Yep. Thats what this site is for. To figure out how to stop the pain. Just being divorced isnt going to stop it. There is no easy button. The way through it is to detach, GAL, and focus on your own well being. Its possible that divorce is a byproduct of that. But the actual physical act of being divorced isnt a cure for the pain. Not at all.

Sandi2 speaks about dropping the rope, I think i threw it away yesterday. I think that i decided to walk away.

Walking away and Dropping the rope are so incredibly not the same thing. How about you just slow down and stop "doing". Dont walk away or forward. Just live your life.

But my stomach turns when I think about losing her...

It's been, what, two days since you said you werent going to regret your divorce?