Waw, she is in love, need advice/support

[Bear007]

Just posting today to keep in line, felling overwhelmed with things to do, both in private and business life.

I guess everything would be a little brighter if I had marriage life sorted, this way I feel like I have dark cloud over me all the time.

[img]http://media.gettyimages.com/photos/man-...sb10069371e-002[/img]

I just turned down to lead a big project at work because I felt I was not up to it and would not give back 100% considering everything. This might be a setback to my career, but I guess it is not so important to me right now. Also this could be a good thing because it shows to my boss that I won't take anything that is given to me and that I have a path I am following... time will tell.

[Bear007]

Double criteria again, one of my relatives is having a wedding, in a city 200km away.

So, I said I will go with D9, and she can come if she wants - she went berserk - that I will not drag a child 200 km to some stupid wedding, and that I can go if I want...

Do I have to mention that we 'dragged' child to weddings of her friends, and that D9 likes weddings?

Other than this fight, we went on a family lunch with recently divorced uncle. His ex wife was also there, and she talked to my wife how hard it is to find a good husband in her age and after divorce, showing a glimpse of regret, but this did not clear the for for my wife...

[sandi2]

I am having second thoughts if she really is WW or is she trying to just get away from me. She said repeatedly that she is leaving because she does not love me, that falling in love with OM is what made her realize that she is not in love with me.

What is there to have second thoughts about? Just the fact that there is an OM at all, defines her as wayward.

Would it change how you would approach things, if she just wanted to get away from you? Look to what extent she would go to, in order to make you believe she fell in love with OM!

[Bear007]

Would it change how you would approach things, if she just wanted to get away from you? Look to what extent she would go to, in order to make you believe she fell in love with OM!

IDK if I would have different approach, probably yes.
I mean, this 180 approach is also learned approach, my 'natural' reaction to this would be something totally different. And it would probably not work in the long term.

Yesterday she came to talk about that she is not attracted to me anymore, that I have been awful to her. I countered with question: how should I have behaved if she repeatedly said that she wants to leave?
So, according to her, I should have changed, stopped exploiting her (for domestic work & sex probably), should have treated her with respect. To her it was obvious that we are not for each other from the start, and that she thinks I love her more than she loves me.
She thinks of me more as a brother (ouch) and a friend rather than husband.
Selective memory is at it's peak... funny example:
I said some time ago: 'if we want marriage to work, we both need to change and work on this'
She heard (and remembered, and repeated): 'you need to change to save marriage'
Of course, 'she does all the work', and I am 'lazy as fcuk'.

Also a bit later she came with idea that she 'should charge me with domestic work that she is doing, since money is so important to me'
I did not even bother to address that.

I guess this whole talk was some way of her's to manipulate with me.

After this I am sure that 180 is working, and that it will get worse as reality will shine on her. There is a big possibility that it will never get better, that she will leave and blame me for it all.

[Bear007]

Yesterday a minor setback, she was all depressed and sore muscles after training, so i gave her back and neck massage.

After that physical contact she wanted some snuggling and I went for it...

I know I cannot be completely out of it, and don't have to be jerk, but I have to stop with this 'good friend' attitude. Any thoughts?

[Rose888]

We're still sharing a bed, but I'm coming to see that any physical contact is bad. It makes it impossible for me to detach.

He put his hand on my head while I was reading to our youngest son last night, and I choked up.

[jazzy1]

Re-read Sandi's rules.

Listen without being heard.

Read the books.

Don't be a victim. Be her husband. Be the reason she leaves the OM by not being the reason she leaves you.

Boundaries before loving. She needs to respect you before she can love you, but respect has to be earned. You can't just force her to do it. Earn it with good boundaries.

Sometimes, we have to step back a bit and observe ourselves, and look for the changes we can make in ourselves, before we can expect others to change with us.

[Dawgs]

What Jazzy said. She's having her cake and eating it, too. My W behaved in the same way - physical was bad because she was not only in love with the OM but also screwing him. As with mine, she wants you to be her buddy but nothing else. You must ask youself, are you willing to put up with her in love/sleeping with another person?

[jazzy1]

Also, and I can't stress this enough: GAL. You will feel a thousand times better. GAL from the minute you wake up till the minute you pass out from having GAL'd so much.

But don't do it to rub it in her face. Do it for you, and you alone. Be the best you you can be, and make the choice as hard for her as possible.

If she still chooses to go the other way, so be it. You will be a better you, and the next relationship will thrive because of it.

[Dawgs]

Amen, Jazzy