I don't know about others but I find being kind and validating while trying to detach extremely difficult.
Perhaps your idea of the definition is somewhat different to the DBing definition. For example, most people who come to the board think detaching is pulling away and/or being cold. Some see validating to mean kissing a$$. Others think you have to be mean in order to enforce boundaries.
None of the above is true, if applied correctly. Look, I am the first to say that a man who has a WW needs to apply tough love. A WW is just like a rebellious teenager. The H has to be firm, but he doesn't and shouldn't be hateful, cold, or lose his cool. Just as a strong and loving father must establish boundaries for his rebellious teen.....and keep his emotions in tact, so does the H of a WW.
If she pulls you into to a R talk, then just let her do all the talking. Whatever you say she'll twist it, anyway. Listening is the best validation you can give a WW. But most men want to argue and try to change her mind. That only leads to a fight, or pushes her further out the door.
You guys are worried about not showing love, warmth, kindness, etc. What about the things in a ma that attract a woman? Why don't you think about those qualities? Not that there is anything wrong with the love and warmth thing, but I'm telling you that with a WW, you have to first let your strength and firmness be seen. She doesn't want a teddy bear, she wants a man who doesn't let her get by with treating him the way a WW treats her H. (She won't tell, so I will).
Once she sees the real man in you, then she will be attracted. When she is ready to do whatever it takes to save the M, you will have plenty of time for the warm fuzzes.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
