5 weeks in since she said she doesnt love me.

[Vanilla]

I have gradually learned sleep tricks. Things that I can do to fall asleep and then stay there.

V

[DDJ]

What are they Vanilla?

Falling asleep is not a real problem, because i'm so exhausted. I don't each much lately, so hunger does keep me awake - could be why i can't fall asleep after i wake up...mmmmmhh.

[Cristy]

Hello Natus,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

You are so smart to recognize that DB is counter intuitive. Good for you regarding staying in the master bedroom. Of course she isn't happy about it. She would like to have the best of both worlds.

You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[Vanilla]

My tricks

Getting to sleep

Nytol
Sleep hypnosis recording
Warm bath
Chocolate drink (warm)
Clean bedlinen
No coffee after 6pm
No liquid after 9pm (no loos)
Exercise heavy in the morning
Getting up early every morning
Skipping a nights sleep
Ensuring no lights in bedroom


Getting back to sleep after waking

Sleeping other side of bed
Putting boring program on TV that I have seen many times
Listening to a boring lecture
Reading boring material
Heavy bed covers
Eating protein
Milk and rusk

V

[CWOL]

I've let her know that while i still love her and am willing to give the marriage another chance i cannot have her polluting our bed while she has designs for another man. In spite i may have also reached out to the OM's wife to let her know as well. I do not know if she has read my texts as so far no response.

You did the right thing. I've been there before too, I doubted myself for a long time but I couldn't believe my WW would betray me a second time. Good job on reaching out to OM's wife, that will help break up their A. Only when the A has ended can the two of you truly reconcile.

[cubebot]

Natus,

You ARE doing the right things. Great job standing up for yourself with your boundary and also reaching out to OM's wife. from the threads I have read since I found this site, you hjave got to hit the affair head on like a Mack truck and bust that thing wide open. There is NO work to be done on you M while the affair is still happening. Stay strong and listen to the advice of the vets. Time to GAL like a mofo if you ask me, show her you will be just fine without her and watch what happens as her affair crumbles to the ground.

Only thing is you said you might have text OM's wife. Did she respond? Be aggressive, call her. Make sure she knows the gravity of what her H has done. She deserves to know the truth, too.

You can do this! Stay strong, keep posting and YOU WILL SURVIVE.

-Cube

[Natus]

Hey all thank you for all the support. Okay long update.

The OM's Wife reached out to me that night after reading my texts. we had a chat, it turned out she was aware of her husband and my wife for months. Since they work together (OM is W boss) even their office has been suspicious and rumors have been going around. I guess i am the last guy to know.

Ended up comparing notes with OM's Wife, what she knows and what little i know (since this is all fresh for me).

I spiraled down alittle that night and gave in to anger, paranoia, jelousy and all the other dark thoughts.

Monday morning i was no better and all i could think of was dark thoughts the whole day. Thankfully i had a counselling session that late afternoon. That helped alot. Calmed me down and helped me focus as well.

Came home from work and had a brief chat with wife. The OM had fought with his wife apparently and i think the reality has gotten to my Wife now that the cats out the bag. Shes the nasty lady after another woman's husband.

(You guys are going to give me flak for this next piece) I decided to be the better man and told her i couldn't let her sleep on the couch, that my son shouldn't see his mummy that way and neither would i. I told her to take the Master Bedroom and that I will sleep on the couch like she did the previous night.

Earlier that day I had also texted her sister whom she has had no contact with for a few months because of me. A bad incident involving her husband showing up at my business place with a machete accusing my business partner of adultery with his wife.

Suffice to say because of the incident i cut ties with sister and her husband. (A little backstory, wife's sister is an ex-con ex-junkie whom after serving time i hired to work at my business. She had been working for me with no problems for two years until this incident)

My wife blamed me for the distance between her and her sister so i reached out and the sister came to the house that night. That made wife happy to reconnect with her sister.

I think she went to bed a little happy cause in the morning she told me i didn't need to sleep on the couch. In the car to work she chatted about a funny incident at work the previous day and few other things. Right before i dropped her off she said "see you later"... That is a first in 5 weeks. I was surprised, i smiled back at her and said "yea".

I cant help feel this is a positive step but also i'm done hoping, i'm done with tears, i'm keeping my expectations down cause she sees the OM at work everyday and i know anything can change at anytime.

Apologies, so much back story.
Btw, a small additional back story about wife's ex-junkie ex-con sister. I also practically adopted her son, he has been living with me past 3-4 years and i consider him my son too.

[Natus]

After this morning I asked her out for lunch today.

I know i know i am not suppose initiate contact, surprisingly she agreed. Before i didn't think this was possible since BD.

We had a pleasant-ish lunch, we talked about worked. She asked about my counseling session which i initially overshared that i needed yesterday's session because i was in a bad place. She tried to ask more but i asked her nicely if we could talk about something else.

She looked surprised that i didn't want to share, there was an awkward silence before she asked me about my day at work.

During the lunch before food came she looked really down. I reached out across the table and put my hand on hers and asked gently whats wrong. She didn't pull her hand away (also new) but before she could say anything food came.

While picking at our food she brought up her lawyer friend who was coming to dinner on Thursday. I offered to get out of her hair and watch our son so she can talk freely with lawyer friend but she said no need, she wasn't going to ask about "that" (separating or divorce). I thought that was weird.

Driving her back to work was a little awkward, i think we both didn't know what to say or you know act. I commented about how its been awhile since we had lunch together. She agreed. Then i stupidly added "i like it" (the lunch). She just nodded. I was mentally kicking myself for not shutting up.

During the entire trip she kept fiddling with her thumbs or bag strap. I am convinced she wants to say something. I don't know if its a good or bad thing. To be honest my mind wondered to the negative, that its probably about OM. So my shields came back up.

Dropping her off she said "see you later" again.

This is a weird day for me. I have convinced myself she has chosen OM over me and am emotionally trying to detach but now shes being softer around me. Help me god i want to bash someones head in.

Also its been almost 2 months since we had any intimacy (she completely outright rejected me since BD and we didnt have any for a few weeks before) and ummm lately i have been getting hyper sexual day dreams about my wife - at inappropriate times too.

Porn is not working, neither is the flesh light i bought.

I am actually afraid to sleep in the same bed as her now. I am convinced that if i do i am going full werewolf. I guess i am sleeping on the couch again tonight even though she told me i didn't have to. Suffice to say i haven't told her about this.

[TimR]

Natus, you have quite the yo-yo thing going on there. I know you said about reading my previous thread, but I do not know if you read my entire story. The reason I mention that, is try not read good intentions into just every day things with your WW. Mine would give me little hints that an actual person was in there but would then flip the script on me.

I have not seen it hear on your thread but you have probably read it elsewhere on someone else's. Regardless, I want to remind you, it took a long time (often years) for your M to get where it is. There will not me a quick fix to broken pieces of your M. Some people on this board have put years of work in before it showed any positive signs. Do you have that kind of patience?? I ask because I did not. When I began to think rationally, I looked at my M and realized I did not want to return to that as it was unhealthy for me.

Therefore, I was a failure at DBing when it comes to my sitch, just as I was in picking my W and in my M. What I gained through this process was a newly found sense of myself. With that disclaimer, here is what I think of your sitch.... I think you are pursuing way too much (sorry to be the one that has to say it, cause I really hated truth darts on my thread). Yes it is softening her but is it making her fall back in love with you. While I tell you my opinion, only you know your sitch and have to decide whether it is a method that is working or causing guilt for her. If you suspect guilt then you need to stop, you wouldn't want someone just because of their sense of obligation... Right?

I wish you the best of luck. It is a horrible place for any of us to be. It truly [censored] to be here but at least you are surrounded by great people!

[GWH]

Natus,

Tim is right in saying you are pursuing way to much. You need to focus more on yourself, and detach. Also take back that Master.