I am sorry to hear your W is continuing with her actions. Just remember it's not over till it's over and keep up with your 180's and your DBing.
Making decisions about your own life and being less passive is still a great thing to keep working on. It will affect your whole life and your future in a positive way. You can't change how you have acted in the past but it's your choice how you act going forward.
I have been working on treating H like a house guest, as my DB coach suggested. It seems to be working and there has been a definite lightening of the mood around the house the last three or four days. H doesn't seem to get scared off quite so easily and he actually initiates conversations with me and tells me funny stories about his friends and people he works with. A week ago you could have cut the tension with a knife in my house, so this is a little leap forward. At least I am starting to eat a little better and sleep a little better.
I go about the house doing my own thing in the evenings after work and pretty much ignore him and what he is doing. If he initiates conversation I always answer back in a friendly voice.
I believe his love language is acts of service, so I have started doing little things for him here and there, like making up his bed with clean sheets, or making sure he had bread and milk and basics in the fridge when I went away last weekend. He seems to be appreciating these gestures.
My DB coach strongly suggests not telling family and friends about marriage trouble, as it tends to complicate the situation more. But, after spending the last two weekends (without H) with 4 couples that make up our closest friends, I am starting to run out of reasons for H not being around.
Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this? I have headed things off at the pass so far but, as we normally see these 4 couples on a very regular basis, and H has apparently decided to just avoid them all (as he does with all things when they might get difficult), this leaves me fielding a million questions about where he is and what he is doing when he would normally be with all of us.
We are a very close knit group of friends that has known each other a long time and I know that if and when they finally find out the situation it is going to be a big bomb drop, and then it will spread like wildfire.
I don't know how to handle this and it is stressing me out.
I imagine that can be a worry. When is the next time you will meet some of this group of friends? If it is not for a while, don't worry about it for now.
I tend to agree with the coach.
I'll think about this for you and will let you know if I come up with any suggestions
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Roist, Thank you for your reply. This has really been bothering me. I see this group of people nearly every single weekend from spring to fall as we all belong to a camping club together and go camping every weekend. As this is something H and I have always done together, him not being there is very noticeable, and I have 10 adults and 7 kids asking where he is constantly. There are only so many excuses that make sense and I am running out of them.
As one of his issues is avoidance of anything remotely uncomfortable, I had also sort of decided not to be the one to tell them myself because I feel if he wants to leave me then he should own up to it and tell them himself. But, once again...as he his avoiding them, our closest friends, I am the one who is getting all the questions and confusion about why he has done a disappearing act.
My other issue is, is there an OW or not. I see what could be signs but then I am also looking for signs. Anything can look like a sign if you analyze it to death. The only device he currently uses is his cell phone which he keeps on him at all times. There is no chance of me getting my hands on it.
My gut feeling is that he is not having an A. But...hair cuts more often, getting in shape, changing clothes more often,disappearing for hours once or twice a week. That can all be seen as MLC/aging stuff as well...not necessarily an A.
I was away for the weekend this past weekend. From friday morning to sunday afternoon, no food had been touched and not a single dirty dish or coffee mug in the dishwasher (he doesn't hand wash dishes). So where was he all weekend?
I don't really understand if I have the right to ask since he has made it clear that he is done with the marriage and me.
Today is one of those days. I just can't seem to shake myself out of the depression and sadness. H is clearly moving forward with his life and I just feel stuck. I do not drive and I have a dog that has been locked up all day while I am at work, so I am pretty much house bound in the evenings because of the dog. So very hard to GAL right now. H is having a great time. No responsibilities. Coming and going whenever he feels like it.
The reasons for not telling/talking about your M problems are multiple and logical.Do you agree with the coaches advice? I'll assume you do or this would have already told people.
If it is just camping, H could just not feel like camping anymore. I know that could be weak excuse seeing as ye were all pretty close, but in reality nothing you say will stop others wondering. By saying H does not want to come and not elaborate, you answer their queries and place the reason on him.
People are going to think and suspect what they will.UUnfortunately there is not much you can do about that except not to focus on it. Easier said than done but the key is to focus on other more positive stuff.
I have realised that people often place barriers on themselves and don't live their life fully due to these barriers. I stopped doing sport because the only time I could do it during the week without sacrificing time with kids was after 9 in the evening. This late in the day is not ideal as often tired, it is after evening meal and near bedtime when finished. So I decided to do sport this year late in the evening as it was then or never. Not only has this been great GAL (even if I do most if it in basement) i am reaping the rewards physically.. my life was filed with many such self imposed barriers.
My point is your dog is a barrier you have placed on yourself.I am not saying get rid of the dog, but find a way around the problem.Govsonewhere with him, set up a run in the garden so it's not locked up all day, impose the dog on H while you go out........
Being housebound does not mean that you cannot GAL.TThere is loads that can be done at home. Tonnes of activities. Even socially you can telephone a friend, Skype/video conference people, have someone over.
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Thank you for your input. Yes, I do have a coaching session booked for this evening thank goodness. I can really tell when I have gone too long without one.
Yes, I do agree with my coach's advice not to discuss M issues with people. It has been tough because these people have been our closest friends for 20 years and, as H seems to be avoiding them at all cost, I am the only one around to face the questions. I will ask my coach tonight what I should say. I just know, once people get suspicious the rumor mill will start, and that is the last thing I want to happen.
You also hit the nail on the head about using the dog as a barrier. I have done that. You are right. I could make more out of my time at home in the evenings. I just have to get up and do something. Thank you for pointing that out.
Thank you for the time you always take to answer my posts
