More detachment, anxiety and the joys of limbo

[Phoebe]

Hi, and thank you for the drive-by, JksD.

I wish my meds were having any effect at all, because I am surely in need of having the edge off this sadness.

This morning I got an admin-type email from H, with the up to date balance of one of his retirement accounts. No hello, how are you, just telling me he forgot to get the info to me earlier and wanted to be transparent about this. He did say it was an account "we" own, but that was the only semi-positive thing to be gleaned.

It made me start crying again because he just is so casual and detached. I am so sick of crying every. single. day. I know it must sound pretty lame, me whining all the time. At first after H walked I cried a lot, but that kind of stopped after a couple weeks. Since the PA and "we're over" conversation, it's been happening more often until I'm now back to every day. WTH? It's like this terrible sadness is just barely under the surface now, waiting to pop up at any time, whereas it was in a much safer, deeper place for so long. Yesterday it popped out mid-conversation with my neighbor/friend. It's so embarrassing.

I thought this was supposed to get better over time. Another grief myth, playing out in real time.

I go see my psychologist today. I don't even know what he's doing for me, but I keep going.