The sorrow of it all

[Dawgs]

Thanks, Iwad.

It's supposed to get easier, not harder. Giving up is the hardest thing to do, yet it is the smartest.

I'm struggling just to keep my head above water, and with myself still being unemployed it makes it that much harder. I haven't given her the papers yet - I just can't bring myself to do it.

Maybe some of you can help me get a read on this - I am not so sure she isn't changing her tactics. She is a lot more careful now in her texts - I have learned to get all convos in text as per my lawyer. I think she is being coached on that end. But that isn't what's odd. She worked Friday and Saturday, so came up yesterday from FL yesterday. She wanted to take them to lunch like usual, but this time she asked if I wanted to go which hasn't happened in a long, long time. And we spent the day doing stuff around the house like cleaning and yard work. Also, she was a lot more friendly than normal, too. In all honesty, yesterday seemed like it was before BD. Ugh.

But - and there is always a but - she had asked me to get a box from the attic, which I did. Sitting on top of said box was a box of our wedding invitations, just out in the open. I didn't say a word about it and neither did she, but I didn't put it there in the open.

I know I shouldn't read into anything and maybe she is playing a cruel game with me.

Any way, she did her usual last night - let before my son fell asleep. It was very sad to hear him ask her why she had to go and why couldn't she stay. And once again, she failed to answer fully. But, what was different, was that she actually came back here when I got them up to get them ready for school (before 0600). That is the first time that ever happened. She is also in the area today but isn't spending it with me. Oh well.

I'm struggling with the fact that our relationship and marriage isn't coming back. I am so torn between loving and hating her - is it even possible to do that at the same time?