have i been making mistakes too long part 7

[tkdmme]

I recently heard that an old friend from high school just had the BD on her. "Friend" would be an overstatement. We knew each other and that was about it. It sent me back in time to when I first found that my W wanted D. I am reliving every ugly moment. I am depressed again. wanting to go hide in hole again. Is this normal?

[tkdmme]

I am just need to vent this morning. I know that the feeling of loss is something that is very familiar to all of us on this site and loneliness is no stranger to any of us. I sit alone with the dog every night trying to make up my mind. Is my M completely over or do I keep hope alive. At this point im ready to let go of the hope and accept what will be the biggest failure of my life.
I love my W so much and miss her obsessively. However that feeling pails in comparison to the loss of my children. I cant bare the thought of being a part time dad. I feel that they would be better off if I just disappeared. They only need me for money anyway. Nothing I have done through this process has had any effect on my W. Whether im DBing or doing the wrong things, it doesn't seem to make a difference. Her family still thinks that there is hope for us, but I know better.
Also, I am overwhelmed at the things that are to come such as legal issues, money, our house. I still wonder what she is thinking. She said not long ago that she has thought of coming back but just cant do it. What does that mean? If she thinks of coming back, what is keeping her from it? Does she think that because she has gone this far that there is no turning back?

Still so confused!!

[mutatio]

You really sound down T, Please know you are loved and needed by your children. Your wording scares me, please don't be alone. Is there someone you can talk to? This is difficult time but not the end of the world.

If your wife is considering or considering considering coming home, you must make the choice as inviting as possible. Work on your PMA and be the best dad you can be. Actions speak louder then words, show her.

Please keep posting, your thoughts seem dark. Stay strong and be well.

[tkdmme]

I am down mu. I've been this way for a couple weeks now. I cant seem to pull out of it. I guess its just the roller coaster syndrome. I was doing great for a long time and then I found out some news from work. I was going to Charleston SC at the end of this month but plans have changed. Now I will be here in the same place for the next 18 months. This really screwed up my plans. I was hoping that when I went away it would give me some time to renew my mind in a new place. Since I heard the news that I am not leaving, I cant seem to make a new plan. Im still in the house that my family has been in for 10 years. All of the pictures are still on the walls and I cant bear to take them down. The kids bedrooms are untouched from when they left. When I have the kids they don't even sleep in there anymore. She took everything she wanted and left me with all the junk she doesn't. I am trying to clean the place up and get rid of all the reminders but im having a hard time doing it.

I have a very demanding job and it is extremely stressful. I am running 2 multi-million dollar construction projects on a nuclear power plant alone. My company has taken all of the help I had and left me here to finish these buildings. That stress compounded with the stress of failing my W and children has me in a place I have never been. I hate coming to work and I hate going home. I am still have a night job playing piano every other week or so but im getting tired of that too.

It just seems that I cant find any relief from the constant stress. I spoke with my doctor today (who happens to be my W's brother) and he is setting me up on some anti-anxiety medication so maybe that will help. Right now I just don't see the point in living at all. I know it sounds dark but this is how I feel. I am not suicidal and I would never hurt myself but i do day dream about it. Its almost relaxing.

I will continue to post and thanks for the feedback.

[otw]

I wish there were words i could say to make you stop feeling this way. You need to think about how your children need you. Contrary to what you may think they dont need want your money they want and need you.

you have to believe that.

You also need to know your worth. You need to have confidence in yourself. It sounds like you are very good at what you do for work. Do you think that is just luck?

Every marriage can fall victim to these circumstances so easily, it happens all day everyday. It is a learning experience, and it is terrible that it happened to us, but we have got to move forward with life.
Do you think your mental state is good for you, your kids, anyone?
I dont know you personally but i do know you are not the person typing these posts.

Look hard inside of yourself. If you were to go all out in attracting your wife back what would you be doing? I am not saying that it will work but what would you be doing? Why would you not do that? Who knows what will come of you being an attractive happy fun loving person.

Dont get me wrong, I cried last night out of no where and it hits hard when it does. But I do know that if i am not working on enjoying my life and working towards personal and business related goals then i am just wasting time.

please really think about this.

[tkdmme]

Just checking in,

So since my last post I have been on some anti-anxiety meds and they to be working most of the time. Im still very overwhelmed with my circumstances but feeling a little better about my future. I have booked 10 piano jobs so far for the month of April and they should bring some extra money in that is desperately needed at this point.

As for W, I don't even know what to think. I don't know if I even know her anymore. We hardly speak and when we do its only about money or the kids. It seems that this is not bothering her at all. I cant imagine its not but it certainly seems that way. She is very cold and distant. Ive been doing a good job of PMA when im around her. We see each other at the kids functions. I just keep my distance and try to look happy.

When I first logged onto this site and read about the length of time it takes to get through something like this, I didn't want to believe it. However it is most definitely true. And the roller coaster is relentless. the ups and downs are excruciating.

Something that im not doing well with is drinking. Ive been drinking way too much. Like everyday after work except when the kids are around. I hate it and want to stop but self control is not my strong suite right now. I just want to be happy again so bad and put this all behind me.

Next week is the big golf tournament here in Augusta and I am playing piano four nights. I have been doing this for years. Although, I didn't last year because I was just too depressed. So it will be my first time as a "single man". The women are not in short supply during this week and I am working myself up to try to avoid making any mistakes.

I still just feel awful about the whole thing. Thanks for listening.

TK

[otw]

Glad to see from you. I will catch up soon

[tkdmme]

Its one of those mornings where I cant shake the sadness and my mind is back to "how did I get here?".
Its insane the time it takes to get over such a tragic loss. I miss my little family so much!

[otw]

i hear you. I am thinking i am reaching a point where i need to know one last time that there is nothing there anymore. I think i need to hear it even though i know it will hurt, but i can close this chapter. I am tired

[tkdmme]

She told me again yesterday that she still feels the same. It hurt but I'm used to hurting at this point. I just smiled, turned away and left. I'm tired too..