My question is this - I know everyone says the DB and DR methods are often counter-intuitive, but how do things like Sandi's rule #15 (don't initiate conversation and be scarce if spouse initiates) help bring two people closer? This in fact has been how we've been operating for a long time and has led to us not being close. Also, I's struggling with #8 (don't buy gifts). I bought her flowers for the first time in a long time a few weeks ago (not roses, just a Springtime bunch) and she brightened up and started taking pictures of them. I'm not going to buy her jewelry or even shower her in gifts, but an occassional card or flowers feels like it might help. Finally, Sandi's rule #9 (don't schedule dates) is something W and I talked about if we are going to separate. We both feel we would need this in order to spend time alone and figure this out.
If I read correctly, the two of you will be physically separating, right? Are you aware that the two of you also have separate viewpoints about this separation? I can already tell that you are geared up and ready to start being the H you should have been all the time. You want this separation period to be a time of courting and romancing your W and resolving the issues. That would be fine if she was on the same page. However, I seriously doubt that she is. In most cases, the W does not want the H to leave so that he can court her and for them to work things out. She doesn't want to get closer.......she wants more space. In other words, she wants freedom.
By the time a person finds themself here on the DB board, they feel lost and confused, not knowing the first thing to do. Most have received the "speech" from the spouse about not feeling in love. The 37 rules are tips for newcomers, to help them get started in the right direction. You don't understand them b/c you want all the advice in how to woo your W and become a loving couple again. You want to pursue your W and convince her that the M can work. The problem is that what you probably have in mind will not work.
Have the two of you ever separated in the past?
Back to your questions about these specific rules, these rules are to help you in preventing pursuing tactics. When the LBH always initiates contact.........she feels pressured. If he always start conversation, or tries to keep the conversation going longer......she feels smothered. If he buys gifts and/or flowers, she feels pressured. She feels this way b/c she does not want him chasing her. She wants to get away from him, not get closer.
Yes, DBing is very counter intuitive. The first thing MWD teaches is to step back, and to detach. You don't get it, right now. You have a lot to learn. There will be, hopefully, a time to court your W, but it won't be for a while. First, she has to discover that she wants you for her H. And, she won't discover it, if you are smothering her. However, if you follow the rules, it should work in helping you, and in helping her to realize she misses you.
This separation period can work for your good, if you will follow the advice.
Have you read the book, Divorce Remedy? That is the first thing to do. And while you wait for the book, read the information Cadet gave you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
