WAS or what (6)

[mutatio]

"patience is not a problem for you"

Thank you for saying, it was not always the case. I was impatient and ego driven for a very long time. Since my wife's affair in '08 I've spent a lot of time in self reflection and determined it is all rooted in selfishness. I wanted it my way. I now try to make the choice that is best for the family member I am interacting with. I respect their wishes and am non confrontational with my input. After all it's about helping them with their life, not about me solving their problem.

How is your relationship with your wife evolving? What does your heart say about your circumstance? How are you holding up?

[roist]

Mut' with all emotions and behaviors there is a correct balance.Stsying in one extremity or another is not balanced. Sometimes confrontation is what is best for your family.I speak in general and not about your latest BD.

My R with W is following its path. I won't over analyse that for now BUT I choose to be optimistic. That makes walking the path easier. My W is not pulling further away from me nor is she going further towards anything else. If either of these occurs I will reassess my position. In the meantime I have work to finish on me.

I find it interesting watching the psychology of peoples thinking and interactions. I wish I was observing it with some other couple but hey I am learning from it.

Thanks for dropping by.

[roist]

Journaling.

I got up early Saturday and ran before breakfast.After breakfast I spent time with my eldest son. I am making a garage for his toys. I am doing this with him not for him. I could have finished it weeks ago but I only work on: t with him.

After that I squeezed in another DIY job on my list. Many of the jobs I do are behind the scenes so not highly visible.This one is highly visible and makes a big difference on the outside of the house. I feel good each time I see it.

All that before lunch on Saturday. The rest of saturday was spent as a family and it was pleasant. Sunday I went mountain biking with a friend. Enjoyed
that. Did a lot of family stuff and gardening with W, so fairly full day to.

Overall a relatively good weekend, but also a relatively typical one.

[Zephyr]

Journaling.

I got up early Saturday and ran before breakfast.After breakfast I spent time with my eldest son. I am making a garage for his toys. I am doing this with him not for him. I could have finished it weeks ago but I only work on: t with him.

Oh how fun...it is awesome working WITH them on these little projects. They will remeber this time with you for this

After that I squeezed in another DIY job on my list. Many of the jobs I do are behind the scenes so not highly visible.This one is highly visible and makes a big difference on the outside of the house. I feel good each time I see it.

Behind the scenes, that is tough. I love to hear the pride in your words. Well done on getting those projects completed...from a man who put things off so often, for so long....nice work!

All that before lunch on Saturday. The rest of saturday was spent as a family and it was pleasant. Sunday I went mountain biking with a friend. Enjoyed
that. Did a lot of family stuff and gardening with W, so fairly full day to.

Overall a relatively good weekend, but also a relatively typical one.

Glad you enjoyed your ride!!!

Keep these posts comming, they are very inspirational!

[roist]

I'm here a year now. Occasions seem to be ruined/tarnished by this situation. I seem to dwell on my situation whenever there is am occasion and this inevitably affects to some extent that occasion.

I bought my first marriage program on Dec 24th. I signed up here two days before my birthday last year. Other dates that are significant to me/us were also triggers.So here I am again.

I have used this time to look deep and work on me. I have taken countless actions. But this weekend I felt exactly like I did 18 months ago when thisall came to light. The trigger was my boys.They are a handful at times. One of my wife's biggest critics of me was how I spoke to them, apparently always aggressive/annoyed. I had worked on that and made god progress but realised this weekend that I was doing this.

Not only was this one of my first actions/180s, it is probably the most important to me. My sons bring out feelings in me that I wish I never felt. At times they are infuriating. But I don't blame them. I think that it is surely down to how we raised them. We are good loving parents but I assume we have lacked a parenting skill that could help.

For me our M problems are directly implicated. Like many of our issues in life I think that we have the same frustrations but we are travelling the same path against them but separately. That is evident to me and yet I seem powerless to do anything about it. Plus I am sure that I would be less stressed with my sons if I wasn't in this situation.

I am sure that if my W left tomorrow that after sorting the practicalities I could develope a healthier R with my boys that brings out the best in us all. So why can't I seem to do that NOW. I need to figure that out. Have I some irrational thinking style that is blocking me? Is R with W really the cause or why do I think we cannot work together on this? I need to figure this out.

But I don't want to wait until W leaves or reconnects.II have been listening t a lot of parenting videos recently and am formulating a solution. This is my priority for now. My R with my sons is far from toxic but I want to make sure it is less confrontational. Since coming out of my depression I have done a lot with my sons. Our R is pretty good most of the time.

I probably painted a blacker picture than it is but it is important to me. I am going to try form a team effort with W to tackle this.She too gets very frustrated with them at times.

That is one of two big projects for me. The other is my job or rather money.
My company is doing OK and we are not struggling like we were a while back. The advantages of being self employed are many and the flexible hours really suit my mindset. But maybe more money and guaranteed income is more important at this stage. I am looking into it but not rushed.If I get a good offer I'll take it. If not I'm OK for now.

But once I am happy with my R with boys and job, I see myself reviewing my situation with the aim to deciding whether to keep standing.Ultimately I know I will decide enough is enough.

Ironically the more work I do on myself the better I like myself.And the more I like myself the less I am willing to put up with. With the exception of my kids any other R in my life I could walk away from if it was not benefiting me. Maybeit will come to that with my W.

[roist]

To be fair to my W, she does back me up with the boys mostly.When she talks to them she often uses the term dad and man, whereas before it was mostly "I/me" statements.

[roist]

Journaling

I needed to get all that stuff out to release it and make the most of my birthday today. Although it was done to clear my head, any feedback is welcome.

Yesterday I did a short run race. I used to be very fit before we had kids but priorities took over. Anyway I set myself an ambitious target to run at almost my best previous fastest pace. And I did. So I have regained a lot of my previous running speed. This was a big objective for me this year and I nailed it. Yeah.

This year I also added some musculation work and I am happy with the results there too.

Apart from a major low Saturday, during which I would have readily signed up for 0 time with W and one week in two with kids, I bounced back though not fully yet. Still had fun in pool as family and meal afterwards.

Got some DIY done, worked more with eldest son on his garage and started one with younger son.

Overall a mixed weekend. Time will tell if all my recent positive work was just a distraction or if I am truly on that path.

Best wishes and well done to anyone that got through all of that reading!!

[Zephyr]

Hey happy birthday buddy! I hope you can find a few moments of your day to treat yourself to something nice.

Dinner out tonight???

Great work with the race, not much of a.pure runner myself, but i know the hard work that goes in and respect that very much. <high five>

The kids thing...i am glad that you can recognize there is toxic behavior between you and kids. Keep grinding through that. Keep a focus on teaching them, spending quality time with them, loving them and showing them What it is to be a man really is.

Without too many specifics. I remeber a time when i was just angry all the time ...i used to blow up at them for little $hit. I actually say them down and spoke to them about MY behavior and have since corrected that. Recognizing your behavior is key to being able to fix it.

I think you are doing an absolutely magnificent job with everything on your plate. No need to worry about what the future may ho2kd, because we just dont have a clue what it can be. Keep going like you are...setting goals, Making improvements, doing those things you want, keeping that compassion up...this is DB at its finest!!!!!!!

[roist]

I thought that I had fixed it but I will fix it. I do blow over small stuff but it us an accumulation rather than a specific incident. Any maybe some frustration is miss directed towards them. I do know that i it is their behavior that I react to. I am working on the tools to help guide their behavior and secondly on my interactions with them.

Z if you remember any specific steps or tools that helped you through that phase I would appreciate your insights.

I don't like those interactions and I am determined to remove them and how they make me feel. I accept this s my responsibility and also within my year, power to change.

I got to go home for lunch and W had put on a big fancy dinner. A few weeks back when she made my favourite dinner for the third time this year ( had it max once last year), I listed to my kids my three favourite dishes, the third one of which she hasn't made in years. Well it was made at lunchtime for me. Plus she got up early to bring my son get pastries for breakfast before I got up. I got a present too and a homemade cake. All great stuff and effort she did put in. I appreciate it all, but there was no feeling behind it. Even now she is considerate and does look after me and the boys v well. I acknowledge and appreciate that. I thank her fairly often..... . But I do not ground worship. By that I mean it is genuine gratitude for real acts and not fake over the top thanks to influence her.

On another note a friend of mine confided in me at the weekend that he and his W are discussing separation. He has moved on. He does not see that as the cause of the split but a result of the failing couple.I didn't argue that logic but thanked him for sharing that private info with me. That will be the eight couple in our locality that we know well that split since I started working on saving my M. I understand better than most about why people would want out, but still I want IN. I have also seen some LBS rise and shine afterwards. I have no doubt I will too but until then back to rebuilding version 2.0.

[Zephyr]

Z if you remember any specific steps or tools that helped you through that phase I would appreciate your insights.

Gotta type quick today I am not father of the year by any stretch of the imagination...so take it for what it is worth.

The biggest step was realizing that Is how I was acting and coming to terms with it...knowing that is not how I wanted to live my life or to interact with my sons. you already are there.

next was to let go of those things that were causing my anger, things I could not control. or if I could control them...then do it. example: stresses at work - I started working less, literally told the bosses I would be not working overtime all the time, it was not healthy and wanted to spend more time with kids. Biggest thing, was learning what I wanted and start working through it. basically take a deep breath and decide not to get all angry about something, especially if in context it just doesn't warrant it.

Also, understanding that the kids have needs too. they have a need to be heard (even if it is nonsense, they still need to develop a voice). I still say NO to them all the time, but I think that all kids need to learn that life is not all 'I get whatever I want, whenever I want'.

One more I guess, not letting them take advantage or rather you using boundaries on your children...pretty big deal, too otherwise resentful of kids on top of all the rest. I despise when I see kids walking all over their parents, honestly it is something that I will not allow, not in my dealings with the schools, coaching, family...whatever.

I don't like those interactions and I am determined to remove them and how they make me feel. I accept this s my responsibility and also within my year, power to change.

There you Go...step one is down - you are making the changes that you want to get the results you want. SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL

I got to go home for lunch and W had put on a big fancy dinner. A few weeks back when she made my favourite dinner for the third time this year ( had it max once last year), I listed to my kids my three favourite dishes, the third one of which she hasn't made in years. Well it was made at lunchtime for me. Plus she got up early to bring my son get pastries for breakfast before I got up. I got a present too and a homemade cake. All great stuff and effort she did put in.

That is Absolutely Positively Great Stuff!!!

I appreciate it all, but there was no feeling behind it.

You didn't have any feelings behind it or she didn't?

Even now she is considerate and does look after me and the boys v well. I acknowledge and appreciate that. I thank her fairly often..... . But I do not ground worship. By that I mean it is genuine gratitude for real acts and not fake over the top thanks to influence her.


How do you thank / show YOUR gratitude? How does you wife like to be shown gratitude? reason I ask...we plug so much here on believing actions not words...right, but we sometimes fall into the trap of believing THAT statement only counts for us. What if our partners are having a really hard time believing what WE say to them??? what if these new people that they are living with (men that they could never believe would ever change) start acting different? it would be pretty hard to believe especially on the gratitude front where we say thank you as if they were someone would if you held a door for them? does that make sense? Ok so that was a bit of a tangent but when have I ever had perfectly linear thoughts besides, just thoughts...I know for a while is was TOO reserved, you know...didn't want to try to be too exuberant. it just wasn't me...it was a mask to cover me a little too much...maybe time to show more of who Roiste really wants to be!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AGAIN!!!