WAS or what (6)

[roist]

I'm here a year now. Occasions seem to be ruined/tarnished by this situation. I seem to dwell on my situation whenever there is am occasion and this inevitably affects to some extent that occasion.

I bought my first marriage program on Dec 24th. I signed up here two days before my birthday last year. Other dates that are significant to me/us were also triggers.So here I am again.

I have used this time to look deep and work on me. I have taken countless actions. But this weekend I felt exactly like I did 18 months ago when thisall came to light. The trigger was my boys.They are a handful at times. One of my wife's biggest critics of me was how I spoke to them, apparently always aggressive/annoyed. I had worked on that and made god progress but realised this weekend that I was doing this.

Not only was this one of my first actions/180s, it is probably the most important to me. My sons bring out feelings in me that I wish I never felt. At times they are infuriating. But I don't blame them. I think that it is surely down to how we raised them. We are good loving parents but I assume we have lacked a parenting skill that could help.

For me our M problems are directly implicated. Like many of our issues in life I think that we have the same frustrations but we are travelling the same path against them but separately. That is evident to me and yet I seem powerless to do anything about it. Plus I am sure that I would be less stressed with my sons if I wasn't in this situation.

I am sure that if my W left tomorrow that after sorting the practicalities I could develope a healthier R with my boys that brings out the best in us all. So why can't I seem to do that NOW. I need to figure that out. Have I some irrational thinking style that is blocking me? Is R with W really the cause or why do I think we cannot work together on this? I need to figure this out.

But I don't want to wait until W leaves or reconnects.II have been listening t a lot of parenting videos recently and am formulating a solution. This is my priority for now. My R with my sons is far from toxic but I want to make sure it is less confrontational. Since coming out of my depression I have done a lot with my sons. Our R is pretty good most of the time.

I probably painted a blacker picture than it is but it is important to me. I am going to try form a team effort with W to tackle this.She too gets very frustrated with them at times.

That is one of two big projects for me. The other is my job or rather money.
My company is doing OK and we are not struggling like we were a while back. The advantages of being self employed are many and the flexible hours really suit my mindset. But maybe more money and guaranteed income is more important at this stage. I am looking into it but not rushed.If I get a good offer I'll take it. If not I'm OK for now.

But once I am happy with my R with boys and job, I see myself reviewing my situation with the aim to deciding whether to keep standing.Ultimately I know I will decide enough is enough.

Ironically the more work I do on myself the better I like myself.And the more I like myself the less I am willing to put up with. With the exception of my kids any other R in my life I could walk away from if it was not benefiting me. Maybeit will come to that with my W.