KGirl - new life, new stuff

[KGirl]

Still here! I'm OK, I guess. Ups and downs. Some days are perfectly fine, other days not so much. I feel lifted out of the sort of all-pervasive depression I was most certainly in up until about a month ago. Went on another date last week with a friend of a friend. Nothing terribly wrong, just... not interested, again. I feel sort of disillusioned with online dating and either am uninterested in anyone, or the people that I am interested in I've started to message and they don't reply. So that aspect of things sort of s*cks right now.

My IC noted that it seems like a lot of my worth or value comes from being in a relationship. I don't know that I think I am any less valuable or worthwhile.. but it is important to me as a life goal, I want someone to share my life and day-to-day stuff with and experiences, and if I'm not working towards that or seeing progress, it's hard. Some of my coworkers are in their early 50's and either never married or divorced 10+ years ago and have said they have no interest in being in a relationship or dating and they are perfectly fine on their own. I just cannot envision that sort of life - it's not what I want and I'm worried about it. Sigh. And then my thoughts meander to XBF and how I was at least mostly happy and maybe if I hadn't been so demanding etc. etc. Days like today I just want him to come back and I wonder if he thinks of me. And I'm mad at XH for wasting my college years when I could have met someone who would stick around.