More detachment, anxiety and the joys of limbo

[Vanilla]

Greengrass really cheered me up with her kick assured high heels she wore them out on her farm, just for fun.

I went out and bought two pairs of fun shoes and boots, if you Google irregular choice Brighton, you will see. So if an old broiler like V can then a young sippersnapperlike Phoebe certainly can.

Have fun with this.

Garner your strength, a borrowed (or hired) van and go get YOUR stuff. Do not tell him. A couple of large imposing relatives or friends and just go. If you read my thread you will see that I put all of WH stuff in store and then told him faith accompli.

Pick a week day when WH is likely (or certain) to be working, go bravely and get your things. Keep cards, close and chest.

Breathe, chin up and face it with strong arms and heart.

V

[Vanilla]

Oh and my beloved Gg high heels were red.

V

[Cherry]

Oh dear, it appears I'm getting me a little bit of a reputation now

Oh work boots can be sexy, just about anything can be with a little look up from the eyelashes and a swing in those hips

I agree with inpain, in a sense bereavement would be easier than the thought someone who made promises to us wants to check out. It's a tad bruising to the self esteem.

The hiking sounds great, that would for sure keep you busy, and fit, and meet new friends and have new adventures. Good for you. It's understandable that you don't want to make contact with h right now. It's hard to appear bright and breezy when you're hurting

[SH_]

Hi Phoebe,

If this is not to personal of a question, you mention that the SSRI is not helping. How long have you been on it, and what are the indicators that it is not working?

I was reluctant to take them, and I think it takes a bit to have an effect, but after several days on them I am not sure if I feel worse, or if it's the events, or what. Just feeling desperate for feeling some normalcy as I can't hardly focus and I can't afford that the rest of my life fall apart while stuck in anxiety and depression moods.

I just feel desperate and like I am seeing a IC and my GP and my spiritual leader, and I can't seem to get a hold of myself.

[Phoebe]

Hi SadHub. Not too personal at all. SSRIs take about 4 weeks to reach effect.

I know that I am on a very low dosage (my psychologist was surprised and told me it was low), so there was a fair chance of it not being adequate. It's been 4 weeks now, and I am not feeling any better at all. Sadness is getting worse, a friend told me she had never seen me so down last week when we were walking together, sleep has not improved, no genuine interest in food (beyond as a chore I know I need to do), increasing triggering events, still shaking, still anxious. As a side note, the anxiety is fading a bit as I am becoming more depressed. The anxiety is due to uncertainty, and my uncertainty is fading as my optimism fades, making the depression more of a dominant feature. I used to smile all the time, now... not so much. I feel really flat.

I still get out of bed every day, shower, take care of my animals, and function, doing what I need to do and trying to get the support I need, but I am just baseline sad most of the time now. Sad and anxious, sad and lonely, sad and _____ (fill in the blank), but sometimes sad and laughing, which is one of the best medicines of all.

The way my Doc explained SSRI onset is:
-First week no effect, or strange effects (tingling, shooting pains, weird feelings)
- second week, maybe a better day here and there
- third week, a few more good days
- fourth week, I should be having more good days than bad days, or feeling much better

So far that has not played out. Honestly, the only change I've noticed is that I am dreaming more than I typically do.

I've continued to reach out in other ways because I know I need to do so, but I am hoping that my GP will change my dosage or medication this week. A little pharmaceutical help would still be most welcome.

Please don't take this wrong, but you need to be mindful that SSRIs have a black box suicide warning - if you ever, and I mean ever, have any self-harmful thoughts, get yourself to your doctor immediately. Don't keep it to yourself. I've got one friend (a nurse, of course!!!) watching me like a hawk on this, and I am glad for her attention. I know that I am not a danger to myself, but it's good to know she's watching out for me, too.

Keep reaching out, SadHub. Keep as many people in your life as possible, and the more time you spend with others, the better. You need to know that you are loved and you are worthy of the love you receive. You are valuable. You mean the world to your children. Find people who can make you laugh, and take your daughter up on her plan for you to be accountability partners! She really sounds amazing.

Grief is overwhelming. As inpain said, and I agree, in many ways being abandoned by our spouses might be harder than loss through death. We have all the pain of loss, but also the feeling of a very personal rejection and there is constant uncertainty. Uncertainty leaves us unable to heal.

[WillDo]

Chemicals do help. The brain does sometimes need those chenicals to keep the balance. For me it is lithium. SSRIs had so many side-effects. Try. It does takes at least 2 weeks to kck in. If you feel it diesnt work, ask to change them. Though ask for therapy. Medicine alone is harder.

[Phoebe]

Well, I just spent about 4 hours taking out my frustrations on invasive species control. I have to say that it felt very productive and I reclaimed a good bit of land today around the edges of my fields.

It was a bit rough when I first got started because this is really the first time I've used this tractor. I had to hit the manual to find the oil and transmissions fluid dipsticks for 'pre-flight" inspection, since they weren't obvious. There are all kinds of handwritten notations in the manual from H. I really let the tractor be his project last year because he was the one that drove the purchase and I wanted him to feel like it was his. I also thought it would help bond him to the place a bit more. Plainly that didn't work out.

Anyway, all those notes of course reminded me that he was gone and I couldn't just ask him for help any longer. He might be phone call away, but he might as well be on another planet.

No further word from H since his admin email/letting me know he hadn't forgotten about us talking again and was thinking about how to tell his story without blame, etc..

I'm in low contact mode, not totally dark. I am starting to feel like my not responding is a bit rude. I'm going to talk about it with my therapist tomorrow, but any thoughts from anyone here would be appreciated.

[Vanilla]

Let him dictate the pace of it. He knows you are giving him time.

V

[Phoebe]

Ok. Thank you for chiming in Vanilla. You are absolutely right. I'll leave him be, and give myself the gift of more time without turmoil.

He knows I am right here, waiting on him. As always...

[GWH]

Patience, and time Phoebe. Hang in there.