More detachment, anxiety and the joys of limbo

[Phoebe]

Well, I just spent about 4 hours taking out my frustrations on invasive species control. I have to say that it felt very productive and I reclaimed a good bit of land today around the edges of my fields.

It was a bit rough when I first got started because this is really the first time I've used this tractor. I had to hit the manual to find the oil and transmissions fluid dipsticks for 'pre-flight" inspection, since they weren't obvious. There are all kinds of handwritten notations in the manual from H. I really let the tractor be his project last year because he was the one that drove the purchase and I wanted him to feel like it was his. I also thought it would help bond him to the place a bit more. Plainly that didn't work out.

Anyway, all those notes of course reminded me that he was gone and I couldn't just ask him for help any longer. He might be phone call away, but he might as well be on another planet.

No further word from H since his admin email/letting me know he hadn't forgotten about us talking again and was thinking about how to tell his story without blame, etc..

I'm in low contact mode, not totally dark. I am starting to feel like my not responding is a bit rude. I'm going to talk about it with my therapist tomorrow, but any thoughts from anyone here would be appreciated.