Husband looking for support

[LiM]

I feel your pain tjcran. It hurts like nothing else. You'll have to find your way through. No way around it.
I see that you are very focused on your MR right now. Although that seems like what you should be doing, it will probably work against you. You need to detach. Let go. Turn your sights inward and focus on YOU. This is HARD. But you must find a way to do this. I believe it is the most fundamental thing you must master if you are to save your M. When you detach and work to fix your issues, she will notice. She will begin to see what she will be missing if she decides to continue down this path. There is no guarantee that she will in turn start working on her issues but you've got to be prepared to take care of yourself whether she is in your life or not.
I am a firm believer in this process. I see it working in my life. I kept up with it and kept posting here even when I had NO hope for my M. But then I started to see cracks in her armor. Slowly but surely, her walls began to crumble around her. And when they did, who was standing there for her to see? A new an improved LiM. The LiM she fell in love with and the LiM that she wants to be with. So much so, that my W is now willing to say and DO the things necessary to repair the damage she has caused. She's willing to do that because she see's that I've been working on myself this entire time.
Focus on you right now. That's what you've got to do.