More detachment, anxiety and the joys of limbo

[Phoebe]

Hi SadHub. Not too personal at all. SSRIs take about 4 weeks to reach effect.

I know that I am on a very low dosage (my psychologist was surprised and told me it was low), so there was a fair chance of it not being adequate. It's been 4 weeks now, and I am not feeling any better at all. Sadness is getting worse, a friend told me she had never seen me so down last week when we were walking together, sleep has not improved, no genuine interest in food (beyond as a chore I know I need to do), increasing triggering events, still shaking, still anxious. As a side note, the anxiety is fading a bit as I am becoming more depressed. The anxiety is due to uncertainty, and my uncertainty is fading as my optimism fades, making the depression more of a dominant feature. I used to smile all the time, now... not so much. I feel really flat.

I still get out of bed every day, shower, take care of my animals, and function, doing what I need to do and trying to get the support I need, but I am just baseline sad most of the time now. Sad and anxious, sad and lonely, sad and _____ (fill in the blank), but sometimes sad and laughing, which is one of the best medicines of all.

The way my Doc explained SSRI onset is:
-First week no effect, or strange effects (tingling, shooting pains, weird feelings)
- second week, maybe a better day here and there
- third week, a few more good days
- fourth week, I should be having more good days than bad days, or feeling much better

So far that has not played out. Honestly, the only change I've noticed is that I am dreaming more than I typically do.

I've continued to reach out in other ways because I know I need to do so, but I am hoping that my GP will change my dosage or medication this week. A little pharmaceutical help would still be most welcome.

Please don't take this wrong, but you need to be mindful that SSRIs have a black box suicide warning - if you ever, and I mean ever, have any self-harmful thoughts, get yourself to your doctor immediately. Don't keep it to yourself. I've got one friend (a nurse, of course!!!) watching me like a hawk on this, and I am glad for her attention. I know that I am not a danger to myself, but it's good to know she's watching out for me, too.

Keep reaching out, SadHub. Keep as many people in your life as possible, and the more time you spend with others, the better. You need to know that you are loved and you are worthy of the love you receive. You are valuable. You mean the world to your children. Find people who can make you laugh, and take your daughter up on her plan for you to be accountability partners! She really sounds amazing.

Grief is overwhelming. As inpain said, and I agree, in many ways being abandoned by our spouses might be harder than loss through death. We have all the pain of loss, but also the feeling of a very personal rejection and there is constant uncertainty. Uncertainty leaves us unable to heal.