Weeding and watering

[mustardseed]

Thanks. This morning I woke up feeling much better. Came out to visit my parents.

I just reread some of my posts and I feel like with this new spring, looking back on last spring, I am feeling kind of like a mirroring of situations--and I am finally out of the wonderland side and back through the looking glass on the side where everything feels right.

Last April I was dealing with the questions of their affair and situations she was trying to inject herself in while he kept up the smoke and mirrors that made me feel like I was going crazy. Made me act crazy. I was in a constant state of panic and confusion and helplessness. I was trying so hard to control a situation that was out of my hands, and turn it into what I believed it was supposed to be.

This April I dealt with her interjecting herself--with no question at all about what was happening. And while I reacted, i didn't lose my [censored] or try to counter attack, I saw him desperately trying to hold on to any bit of control over the chaos he created his face was bright red the entire night.

Last April I took a panicked--need to get the kids and myself away from the chaos--trip to my home time. We were all so highly emotionally charged. There were a lot of tears from all three of us. Lots of anger from the kids. I blasted some music to try and absorb or mask the chaos and we ended up getting a flat tire--slow leak that I just kept refilling at every gas station until we got there. It was stressful and emotional. The next day I taught S to change a tire and we had a good few days relying heavily on the comfort and support of my family.

Last week we were heading out the same way, listening to the same sound track. We were laughing--not crying. Smiles not frowns. And my tire blew out. S and I tackled the problem like a pit crew. Both of us so proud of being able to cheerfully handle the set back.

Last year I was in the middle of crazy work situation where I had no time to breathe or plan. I was getting beaten up by students and beaten down by co-workers.

This year I am working in a supportive roll in someone else's classroom and I feel like my contribution is valued and respected. There is no drama. I am also providing services separate and I have some bruises from my client but I am handling it the way I know is best and I am being supported by team and parents in how I am handling it. It is a challenging roll, but not impossible. And when I seek support and advice on how to tweak my program I feel like I am being supported and given resources to grow in my expertise rather than being set up for failure.

There weren't enough hours in a day last year this time. This year I feel like I have a healthy balance.

Last year I was trying to cling to everything I had and knew. This year I am focusing on maintaining and getting back only the key things that really matter.

Last spring I was in a free fall. This spring I am rising.