Weeding and watering

[Vanilla]

You are entitled to look disgusted.

Look as disgusted as you wanthink to do, if looks could kill.

Just keep those buttons outo of pressing distance and STFU.

2 finger salute.

All looks fine from where I am. Be aware that WH may lie about your interaction with him. Not your circus not your monkeys.

All will be revealed in due course.

V

[JksD]

MS, I was told to read your sitch by a lovely friend as we seem to share certain similarities.

I just want to tell you that you're a very strong person to have gone through what you did.

Btw, I concur with V. You're entitled to your look of disgust. Your H shouldn't have the right to tell you what to do or not to do. Guilty is as guilty does.

And what snide remark? I don't think your remark was snide. I say it's just a matter of calling a spade a spade.

[mustardseed]

Thanks. I'm feeling a little raw today. Like a scab has opened and even though the skin below is mostly healed and not bleeding, it still stings. I guess eventually I was going to have to deal with being replaced in their family. I just didn't expect it to be so obvious and public and happen the first time I see them.

I'm trying to tell myself it happened this way for a reason. That maybe this is the way God is answering my prayers to have him be exposed to his mother. His sister is a different story, she was always tough to read and while she tried with me we never really connected. She was more big sisterly and I was quite shy around her. His mom I adore. She asked how I was doing the only thing I said that hinted at what happened was "the separation was so sudden but now I'm in a much better place. I love how bright my new home is. I feel like we always lived in cold dark places and my new home is the opposite." My voice cracked up a little bit when I mentioned the separation and she stroked my arm and nodded in validation" does she no? Does she understand? Or is she playing a game too? I need to just let it go.

I mentioned some things coming up with the kids and told her I would pass the details of my plans to H and leave it up to him. I want her to know I want her involved in the kids activities. In the past they got left out a lot because H always wanted to "handle it" and never did. I want them to know that I wasn't the one doing that. But again--not my circus--no longer my monkey. Right v? I just want to be myself--not the stifled self that always deferred to H--who was unreliable and inconsiderate about family obligations. It might seem like I'm trying too hard. I guess I should just back off and leave it to the kids. It's their family, no longer mine.

[Vanilla]

You intimated your approval, not that they needed ito. It's reassuring.

Let it unfold in time.

It will.

V

[mustardseed]

Thanks. This morning I woke up feeling much better. Came out to visit my parents.

I just reread some of my posts and I feel like with this new spring, looking back on last spring, I am feeling kind of like a mirroring of situations--and I am finally out of the wonderland side and back through the looking glass on the side where everything feels right.

Last April I was dealing with the questions of their affair and situations she was trying to inject herself in while he kept up the smoke and mirrors that made me feel like I was going crazy. Made me act crazy. I was in a constant state of panic and confusion and helplessness. I was trying so hard to control a situation that was out of my hands, and turn it into what I believed it was supposed to be.

This April I dealt with her interjecting herself--with no question at all about what was happening. And while I reacted, i didn't lose my [censored] or try to counter attack, I saw him desperately trying to hold on to any bit of control over the chaos he created his face was bright red the entire night.

Last April I took a panicked--need to get the kids and myself away from the chaos--trip to my home time. We were all so highly emotionally charged. There were a lot of tears from all three of us. Lots of anger from the kids. I blasted some music to try and absorb or mask the chaos and we ended up getting a flat tire--slow leak that I just kept refilling at every gas station until we got there. It was stressful and emotional. The next day I taught S to change a tire and we had a good few days relying heavily on the comfort and support of my family.

Last week we were heading out the same way, listening to the same sound track. We were laughing--not crying. Smiles not frowns. And my tire blew out. S and I tackled the problem like a pit crew. Both of us so proud of being able to cheerfully handle the set back.

Last year I was in the middle of crazy work situation where I had no time to breathe or plan. I was getting beaten up by students and beaten down by co-workers.

This year I am working in a supportive roll in someone else's classroom and I feel like my contribution is valued and respected. There is no drama. I am also providing services separate and I have some bruises from my client but I am handling it the way I know is best and I am being supported by team and parents in how I am handling it. It is a challenging roll, but not impossible. And when I seek support and advice on how to tweak my program I feel like I am being supported and given resources to grow in my expertise rather than being set up for failure.

There weren't enough hours in a day last year this time. This year I feel like I have a healthy balance.

Last year I was trying to cling to everything I had and knew. This year I am focusing on maintaining and getting back only the key things that really matter.

Last spring I was in a free fall. This spring I am rising.

[Vanilla]

Lovely post Msd.

V

[Ggrass]

It's funny isnt it mustard, how things come full circle.

All the the first, they come and they go then the seconds start. I've got another goodie to park on my thread about xh and their versions.

You sound strong and like things are well. I'm applying for a job it came up and pay is awesome and it's suits me. I rather want it rather than needed it.

Keep on going sassy is good.

[mustardseed]

Yes, Ggrass--it really is interesting. It reminds me of the movie Groundhog Day with Bill Murray. Same situations keep coming around and around and I've handled them so many different WRONG ways from overlooking, excusing, fighting back, forcing my way, taking on all of the baggage, resigning. It wasn't until I let go of trying to control the outcome that I started to grow and learn.

Hopefully just like Bill Murray I will become who I need to become to be able to see February third. Not quite there yet, but I feel it getting close.

[JksD]

You are getting stronger and stronger! I like your analogy of Groundhog Day.

I think this is true for me too. I need to repeat the same scenarios ad nauseum until I learn what it is that I need to change.

Thank you, MS, for this ephiphany.

[mustardseed]

I do feel like I am getting stronger. I am definitely seeing more clearly which is a step in the right direction.

He still can get in my head, I am just better at not reacting. And, I recognize when I start to cycle into those obsessive thought patterns. That is when I start reading up on Narcissitic abuse and sociopaths. It helps me keep it in perspective and avoid letting the negative self talk consume me.

Today I was reading this http://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/03/t...-their-victims/
And it really explains to a tee what my life with H was like. It also concerns me to know that I no longer can buffer my kids from it--of course when I was there to buffer it I was also clouded and confused by what was happening so I guess I wasn't much help anyway.

I am taking a different approach of just building up. Recognizing when the kids engage in negative self talk (two teenagers it is a given they will, but I am still being extra vigilant) and reiterating the message that we all make mistakes and that we are human and loveable, and special, but not perfect and that is just fine. We will make mistakes, and they don't define us--what we inevitibly learn from them is what makes us who we are and who we are becoming. I've been reading some postive messages that state that how we handle the mistakes was what defined us, but I don't agree with that either, because we aren't always going to handle them wonderfully. And that's ok too. We just keep trying to do it a little bit better every time.

So while I was feeling a bit bummed about the reality that OW is now definitely "the one" for the time being--the more I read and the more I see that I did not lose the prize--he is more like the hot potato and she is the one who happens to be holding it right now. She has no idea what ride she is in for--although she might be cut from the same cloth. They just might beat each other down--as long as my kids aren't put in the middle of it then they can have at it.

I got a transcript from my L regarding the most recent court situation and I am really feeling for his L--I think that she is also being played by him. He never pays for anything, uses his charm to get people to work for him for free and takes total advantage. If he ends up agreeing to pay for services he usually finds away to finagle himself out of it or attacks when it is time to collect. Taking on this case was a huge mistake for her--not only is she losing money, but she has also put her reputation on the line. But that is her mistake to make. And the more I learn about what has been going on on there end, the less respect I have for him. Makes it so easy to truly not care.

V you were an absolute gift to me. Without you I would still be caught in the cycle.