Way Too Late Pt 3

[1313]

Thanks guys,
Our pastor had a sermon this last week about trusting in God "even if" not "only if", and that's where I have to put myself. Hopefully some plan will be revealed to me, I'm just not seeing it.

I just still miss my W terribly, although I know she's written me off and moved on herself. So it seems anyway. Of course I'm not sure what I can trust that I hear from third party sources, or if what the W is saying to them carries any weight.

She's obvious still hateful of me no matter what she tells other people as well. Nobody has any idea that she hasn't even let me see the dog for almost 3 months now. I just don't really say anything.

What's weird is I've never really gotten angry in all of this. I try, I work myself up - but then it fades and I'm just sad. 3 months yesterday as a matter of fact I left. Everyone's sitch is different, and with mine I still feel I've lost my soul mate. Granted, she doesn't feel the same. I've got a lot of things to consider and work through before I can completely move on. I think it's going to take a very long time indeed.

[GWH]

1313,

TIME...that is the word of the day. Nothing wrong with having hope. That anger from W could last a very long time. No one knows, but in the meantime try to detach as much as you can. Hang in there brother

[1313]

Journaling:
I've decided to write the W a goodbye letter, apologizing for her perceived wrongs. This is as close as I feel I can get to validating as we're no longer communicating.

I state I'm not asking for anything, manning up for my goofs - and saying I'll miss her. With our settlement date 11 days away, there's not a lot I can do at this point, the DMV is slower here than the divorce process in CA. Hard to believe it can all be over in 3 months. Of course, I'm done budging - so who knows.

I have no idea what's going on in her life other than what people tell me - which isn't much. Other than the suspicion her A is over, even that's up for debate. Anyway, I don't see how I could possibly push her away any more, get her to resent me or rebel any more than she already is. So we'll see if it gets a grunt.

I still wonder about the message I got a month ago about stopping the divorce - maybe at that point she was reaching out and I didn't give her the right answer? At any rate, she changed her mind the next day as I asked a question rather than giving a statement. Who knows. I'm not even sure if she does.

Ugh.

[Phoebe]

I'm so sorry to hear things are moving so quickly for you in the direction you least wanted to go, 1313.

I have no idea if a letter is a good idea, or not, but your heart is surely in the right place. I hope someone else chips in their thoughts on that.

What I wanted to say is that I completely relate to your lack of anger. My therapist keeps saying "you must have a lot of anger at your husband for what he's done," but any anger just passes me right on by most of the time. I may feel it for a little bit, more in the last few days, but then it just goes away. I'm just really sad and missing him and confused.

[J5K]

1313,

I can understand why you would want to write a letter. I am thinking of doing the same thing. Do you actually plan to give it to her? If so, what do you expect to accomplish by giving it to her?

[CWOL]

It seems that letter would be an 180 opposite of DB principles, especially if you give it to her. Don't you think?

[1313]

I'm so sorry to hear things are moving so quickly for you in the direction you least wanted to go, 1313.

I have no idea if a letter is a good idea, or not, but your heart is surely in the right place. I hope someone else chips in their thoughts on that.

What I wanted to say is that I completely relate to your lack of anger. My therapist keeps saying "you must have a lot of anger at your husband for what he's done," but any anger just passes me right on by most of the time. I may feel it for a little bit, more in the last few days, but then it just goes away. I'm just really sad and missing him and confused.

Phoebe,
While I worked myself up to anger/shock at the very beginning of the process, it was only in brief spurts. I know I did a lot of things wrongly, as Sandi says about some of us "nice guy" types.

Honestly, I'm either sad or numb most of the time - so I completely understand. I suppose that I'm really trying to move to forgiveness and closure. Certainly this could all change at the court thing in 10 days, depending on what the W does. I think the L's are trying to finish this off as quickly as possible, so we'll see.

[Phoebe]

Sometimes I wish for a little numbness. Hang in there 1313.

No one can possibly do everything right, and who's to say what "right" really is, anyway?

We LBSs try to do what we can, but the reality is that we truly have no control over our spouses because they are the ones driving the bus. If they don't see us because they've moved out and on, then there's really nothing that we can do to alter their course.

It's discouraging to realize, but I'm getting there. Slowly. DBing is for us, not for our marriage. If our spouses notice, then maybe it can change or improve the M, but otherwise, it's out of our hands. I didn't realize that for a long time. I still wish it weren't so.

[1313]

1313,I can understand why you would want to write a letter. I am thinking of doing the same thing. Do you actually plan to give it to her? If so, what do you expect to accomplish by giving it to her?

If I give it to her, it will go in the mail even though the house is literally around the corner from me. I plan to read it a couple more times. I ask for nothing in it.

I really expect nothing from it except it's my attempt at final validation to her, and closure. And perhaps, I might reach the W I used to know somewhere in there. Maybe she might just think about the road she's chosen. I still want to believe that a month ago, just for a moment she had a change of heart.

It seems that letter would be an 180 opposite of DB principles, especially if you give it to her. Don't you think?

In a way it certainly is. However, this I do know. After 3 months, I could have 24" pythons and gorgeous blondes hanging on my arms as I walk down the street, or have gone bald and gained 300 lbs - the W would have no idea. We don't travel in the same circles, and she has told few people of the D or her A. The ones that do know are enablers, and I don't see them really.

Yes, I suppose I could do the "write the letter and tear it up" strategy. But, what would like her to know is I realize my failed efforts in the past year or so, and that I forgive her. Perhaps, she might just relax a bit and at least not fight on letting me have the dog from time to time. Perhaps, there will be a bit less resentment and we can settle things more amicably. At worst, nothing will change. She simply cannot resent me more at this point. At best - who knows. I pray for miracles every night, and sometimes they happen.

In the end, I'm trying to see if I can get any sort of reaction at all before these proceedings. Once the D is final, that's it. Certainly, there's a chance that we could get together years down the road, but I don't see it. I do know this woman's character, unfortunately once she makes her mind up she is most likely reinventing herself. I wish it possible to save everything we've built over 30 years, before it's dissolved and gone.

[1313]

...We LBSs try to do what we can, but the reality is that we truly have no control over our spouses because they are the ones driving the bus. If they don't see us because they've moved out and on, then there's really nothing that we can do to alter their course.

It's discouraging to realize, but I'm getting there. Slowly. DBing is for us, not for our marriage. If our spouses notice, then maybe it can change or improve the M, but otherwise, it's out of our hands. I didn't realize that for a long time. I still wish it weren't so.

Phoebe, DBing is for us. We have to learn to move on. You are correct, they're driving the bus. It's just our decision to get off at the next corner and take our own vehicle. That's what I'm doing.

There's a seat next to me, she's welcome to ride shotgun into the sunset if she so chooses. I don't really say that in the letter, but it can be read between the lines.