More detachment, anxiety and the joys of limbo

[Phoebe]

It's true. It seems that every situation is becoming a mine field, where I could come across a trigger at any moment. Last week it was the sweet 80 year old in a wedding ring holding the door for me, showing me what I wasn't going to have with H. Later in the week it was finding H's prescription charges. Yesterday the trigger was having to ask a stranger for help with the tractor. Next it will be... ???

Thanks for the kind words, Cherry. I know that I can be my own worst enemy when it comes to negative self-talk sometimes, but it's just the way I feel these days. I'm having a hard time finding the positives in my situation.

I'm lucky in that I don't have to keep up a facade of good cheer every day because H is completely absent, but I so miss having him around. I think back to November and December, when I though everything was fine, and all the nice times we had together, and I am still left with the most over-riding feeling that I've had ever since H walked - complete confusion. I just don't understand, and I'm beginning to think that I never will.

What do you do when you can't make sense of your own story?