14 days of sheer hell

[DDJ]

@dream, I am trying to be a better person, for my son and for my next relationship. I have learnt that I can only control my own actions, and I am definitely becoming more of my own person. I don't need her in my life anymore. I definitely realise that.

We went out for supper tonight, probably the last time we do that together. I sat there for the first hour, thinking why am i trying to save a marriage when the other person does not want to.
Why do we still want to try and get this mutant back?
Because we love them?
Why play this counter-intuitive game in the hope that they come back?

And then I realised that I felt most in control of my life when I considered her not being in it. When I did not have to deal with this insanity. Maybe it's just me, maybe i'm doing the wrong thing - but why does it feel so right to let go?

Do not get me wrong, the minute she says and shows me that she wants to make things work, i'll be on board. But until then, i need to take control and put myself first. I am certainly re-acting based on her words, and the saying goes, be careful what you wish for. I need my WW to learn her lesson, I cannot see any other way.

I do realise that 5-6 weeks is a bit quick to be divorced, so I am willing to delay it by a few more months. Not sure how long it's going to take for the book to get to South Africa though :-)