For the recent past several months I have put forth much more effort in several areas. She has pretty much run things as far as the kids and house go. I've done some half a$$ efforts in the past, but now have committed to removing some of the load. She hasn't mentioned she's noticed, but there is no way she couldn't have.
I've also held back compliments and verbal affection since she told me a long time ago she doesn't want that and somehow it makes it worse.(???) Again, in the recent several months I have not held back. When she looks nice I come right out and tell her - I compliment her once a day at a minimum. She has noticed this and told me she has, although she says it is meaningless (but I know that I can't beleive anything she says at this stage.)
The counseling we did several years ago didn't go so well. My W felt criticized. I can't remember all the specifics, but I know the counselor seemed kinda kooky and didn't hide from taking sides on issues.
Criticism is something that comes up frequently between us. W feels I am very critical and that I don't like her. She will bring it up well after the fact and it is hard for me to see it or recall it exactly how she does. I'm hyper aware now and monitoring this very closely.
My question is this - I know everyone says the DB and DR methods are often counter-intuitive, but how do things like Sandi's rule #15 (don't initiate conversation and be scarce if spouse initiates) help bring two people closer? This in fact has been how we've been operating for a long time and has led to us not being close. Also, I's struggling with #8 (don't buy gifts). I bought her flowers for the first time in a long time a few weeks ago (not roses, just a Springtime bunch) and she brightened up and started taking pictures of them. I'm not going to buy her jewelry or even shower her in gifts, but an occassional card or flowers feels like it might help. Finally, Sandi's rule #9 (don't schedule dates) is something W and I talked about if we are going to separate. We both feel we would need this in order to spend time alone and figure this out.
