Weeding and watering

[mustardseed]

Thanks. I'm feeling a little raw today. Like a scab has opened and even though the skin below is mostly healed and not bleeding, it still stings. I guess eventually I was going to have to deal with being replaced in their family. I just didn't expect it to be so obvious and public and happen the first time I see them.

I'm trying to tell myself it happened this way for a reason. That maybe this is the way God is answering my prayers to have him be exposed to his mother. His sister is a different story, she was always tough to read and while she tried with me we never really connected. She was more big sisterly and I was quite shy around her. His mom I adore. She asked how I was doing the only thing I said that hinted at what happened was "the separation was so sudden but now I'm in a much better place. I love how bright my new home is. I feel like we always lived in cold dark places and my new home is the opposite." My voice cracked up a little bit when I mentioned the separation and she stroked my arm and nodded in validation" does she no? Does she understand? Or is she playing a game too? I need to just let it go.

I mentioned some things coming up with the kids and told her I would pass the details of my plans to H and leave it up to him. I want her to know I want her involved in the kids activities. In the past they got left out a lot because H always wanted to "handle it" and never did. I want them to know that I wasn't the one doing that. But again--not my circus--no longer my monkey. Right v? I just want to be myself--not the stifled self that always deferred to H--who was unreliable and inconsiderate about family obligations. It might seem like I'm trying too hard. I guess I should just back off and leave it to the kids. It's their family, no longer mine.