It's so annoying when they say they are putting the kids' interests first when all they have done it put their own needs first. The fact that that can't tell the difference between what is best for them and what is best for their kid just goes to show how very lost they are.
And yes it is laughable that you "wanted" this. It's just too stupid to bother replying. I think it's all projection.
Nice job zipping it on his response. One of the best things I have learned out of this is the 24 hour rule. I feel like I used to be a really calm person and I because this crazy hot head when MLC started. Just slowing my responses down has really taken the edge off this whole fiasco.
I feel like you would be a great friend to hang out with, too! Don't worry we'd go to your house . . .
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
M, I told my H something similar recently. I didn't go into feelings as much as you did, but I did tell him that I knew I could change course anytime I wanted to.
I could be totally off-base, but I think in some sitchs they need to hear that this is not what we want (or wanted) but we are doing what we are doing today because we choose to and we can choose to do something else at anytime. To me, it's like saying I'm here for you at the moment and I can tolerate this limbo for a while, but this isn't a never-ending scenario.
All of that stuff about this is what you wanted and what you need and this will be beneficial for S is his way of justifying what he's doing, easing his own guilt and putting the responsibility for the sitch on you. Projection, as HW said.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
Ya, projection for sure. It continued to irk me though, to think I wanted this? I know it's very stupid and he is not in a good state of mind, but I am in laying it all out mode and need to be clear here. I just no longer care about his MLC fog state, the words may just be bouncing off, floating away in the air, meaningless to him, but not to me and that is what I am about right now. What is best for me.
H did some TM"s last night, joking and giving me a hard time about concert, I think he is playing with me and knows how badly I want to go, and maybe a bit jealous? The band I want to see is Stick Figure and I am driving my S crazy listening to nothing but so I can learn all the words and dance my butt off. I love them because they have a very positive self love vibe, so much meaning to me right now! I just can't wait.
Anyway, this morning I wrote him: Hi. As your friend and the mother of your child, I am telling you, you need to be honest with yourself H. Don't color this with rainbows. Nothing about this situation will benefit S, but yes, it makes it better that we get along. I also will add I did not "want" or "need" my husband to leave me. I have taken a really shifty thing and turned it into a life changing experience. I am hoping that S sees and learns the examples of love, strength and respect , even when things don't go your way. He still seems to believe in love and marriage as I do, he brings it up now and then and we talk, so that has been a huge relief for me. And please don't feel like you can't spend time with him when he is with me. You are welcome for dinner or just to hang out, that offer has always been there.
So, again, I feel I am getting thoughts and feelings out that have been so pent up, but not doing it with anger, blame or spew, just calm truth darts with a dash of friendliness.
Now, to pick the 3 foot weeds that have grown with this Cali rain. My front yard is embarrassing!
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Mine tells me he is being the best dad and the boys will be proud of him for doing what makes him happy. OK!! That is why the youngest is peeing his pants even at school. The S8 throws hissy fits at school over anything. S11 hates him right now saying he is always mean to him and always making him cry. Sad part I am always telling him dad is not mentally home at the moment..he needs to be patient and love him...we love each other no matter what. Such a great dad, he never call his kids and does not show any interest in their schooling. Never worries about their health.
but hey this is the best thing for them..dad is being a great role model according to him
Hi Tfish. I really believe they say these things to ease their own guilt. I mean, can you imagine the guilt they feel, to tear their families apart and hurt their spouse and children the way they do? It must be overwhelming. So I have learned to not take the backlash personal. They tell themselves whatever makes them feel better about what they are doing, it's an illness, I have seen it my whole life with my mom. Good job encouraging your kids to accept it with love and patience. I told my S similar and it took time but seems to help. He is doing much better with H.
My H responded that he should be more careful with what he says and how.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
It is just sad to watch what is happening. You go to newcomers and see all these guys fighting and hurting for their children..and mine can't be bothered to call.
Yes, there are good men out there. They were lucky enough to be taught the tools to deal and cope with difficult life situations. So what we can do is teach our kids these tools, with patience, compassion, honesty and love. Let's break the cycle here and now
Sotto, I have reached my point now to be satisfied with our communication. I can see we are both getting defensive and no good comes out of that. I think I got my points across so I feel good.
I feel good, strong, proud of where I am. That's the thing, I feel self confident and know my self worth, H today is much less than what I deserve. I need Job to remind me of the state he is in. I do hear her in my head though.
Hope you all enjoy your day.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh, So, what's stopping you from starting a new life w/the new you? You can do that and leave the door ajar for a bit. Your h has certainly been living his new life for the last year or so.
I do not think you are ready to actually pull the plug on your situation. You will know when you have had enough and want to start mediation.
mleigh, don't be afraid to think outside the box and venturing forth into your brand new world. Take it a little bit at a time and I think that if you begin venturing forth, your focus won't be so much on him or his dreadful family. It's time for mleigh to do some fun things for herself...time to step over that threshold and seeing what the world has to offer.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
wow guys. I think I missed the 24 hour rule --- sometimes I can't even do 24 seconds!!! MLeigh, I think truth darts are ok - but what do I know? You were straight forward and respectful, but not drinking the MLC koolaid. I think you did a fine job.
xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Hi Job! Really happy to see you back, you were very missed. I hope your time away was for something fun and relaxing.
H came over yesterday to pick up S. No awkwardness after our conversations which was nice. I skipped over happily and handed him a cord he ordered me to hook up the surround sound to my new streaming device. He got that all set up, then went out to check my tires again and assured me that I did not need to run out and get new tires like I planned on doing, that I could wait until end of summer. That gives me time to save up more money. Then he noticed my window sprayer was broke on the back of my truck and went to work to fix it. Pieces are somehow missing so he rigged it with some rubbery stuff he had stashed away in the garage. He told me to test it, I squirt the window spray and it was shooting straight back behind me. We laughed so hard about the fun I could have with that! But he went back to fix it and I got one "accidental" squirt onto him Hee Hee
When we went back in the house, S was laid out on the couch, said his left side hurt really bad. It escalated to a point where he was crying about having to leave with H, a rare thing at his age. H asked me if I had plans, if he could stay home with me. Well, H heard me take a call and make dinner plans, but of course S comes first, so I said of course S can stay here. H at first asked if he could switch days to the next, then retracted and asked if instead he could just come hang out Sunday instead. Interesting.....he is taking me up on my offer. He looked sad when he left, I offered dog and his face lit up, told him to check with S, his dog. I am way too nice, but that's me.
One thing to point out. When S started crying, I thought for sure H was going to get upset, tell him to stop as I have seen him, his dad and mom do in the past. They encourage not showing those kind of emotions, They are the types to believe boys don't cry. But instead, H got S, held him and rubbed his back asking what was wrong. I stayed back and let H handle it, and was very impressed. He was very nurturing and caring, handled it the way I would have.
So I ended up staying home. I was bummed about missing a dinner out with friends, I need some adult time, but I made the best of it and gave S my TLC. It took a few hours, but he finally started feeling better later at night and woke up fine this morning. Growing pains? Dehydration? Gas? Could have been any one.
Overall, still feeling glad I initiated the conversations we had. I just ordered the book by Jim Conway, Men in Midlife Crisis. Somehow I never read it and it keeps coming up as a good read. I think a reminder of H state of mind would be good for me. The depression book I am reading is good, but the examples are some pretty extreme forms of abuse! I enjoy learning this stuff though, not just for my sitch, but to understand people in general a bit more. It brings compassion out of me.
I noticed yesterday I had the urge to invite H to concert, had the urge to invite H to beach house in July, had urge to hug him thank you for all he did....wtf? I didn't but it amazes me I still can feel these things here and there towards him.
So Job, I thought of what you said, and I think I have been living life with the new me. I have made my home into what I want it to be, I plan trips and vacations, I walk and do yoga on a regular basis, I plan outings with friends or enjoy my nights in....are you seeing somewhere I am holding myself back? Or are you just encouraging me to think outside the box?
