A quick summary: My husband literally disappeared on the night of our 20th wedding anniversary, after living together for 25, asked for time apart on Christmas Day. Since then I've seen him three times, two brief phone calls, and a lot of email until about 10 days ago when I went low contact.
He is living 5 hours away, in a furnished apartment he rented in a large city suburb 1 1/2 hours from the house he is supposed to be living in, that we own and pay for every month. I live out here on our country property after he told me I wasn't welcome in my own home there. Well, I suppose I'm welcome there now that he's pretty much moved out.
Until I found out about his PA, almost every message I got from him was along the lines of "My biggest goal for 2016 is to work on our marriage," "of course there won't be anyone else while we're figuring that out. That would be irreparable." All the kinds of words that make you believe there is a chance. Then, I discover the PA, and for the first time I hear "we're over" and realize that, yes, there is a very good chance that we really are over. It's like that day I just started falling apart all over again, and I have really struggled since. I was in denial until that point, I think, because it seemed there was real hope.
I have been seeing a psychologist for a couple months now, added in a grief counselor last week, doing all kinds of stuff to GAL, reaching out for support wherever I can find it, started on an SSRI a full months ago (to no effect), and I take anxiolytics when it gets really bad. Still, I feel like I'm struggling more as time goes on.
Anyway, I'm heartbroken and still standing, trying to save a relationship into which I've poured my heart and all my energy for so long, but one that H seems to have utterly rejected. I'm trying to be the lighthouse. I had all of my eggs in the one basket called our life together, and it's been upended and I don't know which way is up a lot of the time.
I have struggled to fill the gap left by the loss of H, who was also the best friend I had. My one other close friend died almost 2 years ago, and I felt like I had no one except my parents at first. Luckily a neighbor has really been there for me, and I rekindled a good friendship from my past. Still, I feel the loss every single day.
Today I got rid of a lot more stuff from my property, which seemed like real progress. It gave me 2 hours of outdoor work in the sunshine, and it's hard to not think that's a good thing.
I'm still really down though. It started yesterday when I had to hook up a farm implement to my tractor and it just slammed me with the reality that that was something H should have been here for, and that he has abandoned me and our life together, all in the name of his own "happiness" which seems to consist of city life, clubbing, binge drinking, an affair (despite saying he wants to be alone), a new absurd fascination with electronic music, new clothes. Same old story - who is this person, and why is he acting like he's 20, or younger, when he's mid-40s? His new life just strikes me as such a superficial one, entirely based on lies, because he's lied to everyone he meets. I can't relate to it at all, and I really don't like the person he's become. I keep hoping that some form of the person I knew all those years might surface, but not so far. He's a selfish, self-involved WAH/MLC man.
I'm discouraged and disgusted and sad and angry. Mostly sad.
I want to thank SadHub for this:
Originally Posted By: SadHub
I hope you are doing well this morning. Try and remember that his"story" is simply his story. Do not let go of what you know your story is. I know how hard it is as when the negative thoughts invade our minds we tend to focus on all that we wish we could have done different, but in the end, we did the best we could with what we had.
Being a lighthouse is a challenge in different weather so to speak. Weather changes and sometimes the boats will struggle to see, but the lighthouse must continue to shine no matter what, with the hopes and expectations that it will be seen. The rest is up to God. But shining bright no matter the weather is up to us.
My prayers are with you again this day. May you feel some peace and calm.
And GWH for this:
Originally Posted By: GWH
Hope your having a better day today. Remember we really don't know what they are thinking.
Your kind words and support mean a lot to me, especially right now.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
