WAW still behaving angry and moving to divorce

[SH_]

Hi Phoebe,

I am not sure what is going on. I felt great yesterday, and when I went to sleep I was good, but at 2 am I woke up and the waves started rolling in.

I have taken another this morning about an hour ago, but it does not seem to be kicking in. Still shaking like a leaf right now

I am just trying to dig deep and muster all the strength I can to function here at work right now..... Damn this nightmare, the war with the demons inside me is taking a toll.

I know what I want to do and be, but the run away train in my mind and body is heading to the end of the track at a terminal speed right now. I never imagined being in this situation and feeling like I have no control of myself. Groan....it is very painful to say the least .

[Phoebe]

I am so incredibly sorry that you are feeling this way right now.

You should contact you doc again as soon as you can and tell him/her what's going on, even with the meds on board. They need to rule out a paradoxical reaction to the meds, or possible need for a different med or dosage.

Remember, you are not broken. You are hurting. Your life has been turned upside down, but you are still a whole person.

Know that you can't put a schedule on your reactions/grief/emotions. You want it over and resolved by yesterday (we all do), but our hearts don't work that way, and neither do our spouses'. You've had your heart broken, and you are living with incredible uncertainty in your life. That is so much harder than trying to deal with a single adverse event.

I'm pulling for you today. (and all days, but especially today)

[SH_]

Thank you Phoebe for checking in on me. I am starting to feel a little better and the shakes are subsiding.

Thank you for reminding me that I am not broken, because those doubts are so intense and real that the mind cycle of feeling broken and like a loser plays very strong once it gets spinning in my head. I know that I did not cause all of this, but when the cycle starts it is a challenge to stop it.

I read that one of the meds may take a week or 2 to kick in for noticeable positive effects so I may have to weather that storm to get to the other side. It was rough this morning but I still got up and functioned, although with a very forced smile and all.

I just gotta keep the mental thought in the chaos of thoughts that I am a good person with some very important reasons to push through this and not merely survive, but to thrive and be stronger than before.

I am headed into the heart of the storm this weekend as she moves out and the D will be filed.

I will survive this and I thank you from the bottom of my heart and the core of my soul for your support.

[Phoebe]

Absolutely anytime, SadHub.

Take good care of yourself this weekend during the storm. Remember to breathe.

[SH_]

It has started, and oddly enough I am pretty calm. And the WAW is in a very huffy mood to say the least. She scooped up a bunch of boxes with odds and ends as well as some clothing and packed up the car and said she may be back in a few hours or not, depending on if the water was turned on at her new place.

I offered to help and she yelled a number of different things at me. I asked what was in one of the boxes and she yelled some other things about working with her to divide things up each night this week, but I was always too busy. I apologized for being busy. She walked out yelling some other things. She reluctantly let me help her carry some stuff out to her car.

D17 then muttered how she only tried packing some things up one night, not every night this week. She then asked why her mom should be getting so much stuff and me nothing. I said not to worry, as I can replace whatever is really needed. D17 then said be careful, she seems really stressed and upset about all of this. I agreed, but I will put on a good face and help where I can and not cause any waves. The sooner she can get what she needs and provide us some space, the better chance we will all have with some peace in the short term, and hopefully some head clearing in the long term for all of us.

Sad side note, D17 mentioned that she was working on a resume for an internship she is trying to get in with, that she was jotting down some things she has done in the past, and she remembered attending a school event about a year and a half ago, where she recounted that there was an activity where they were sharing some things with a group. She said that she recalled sharing that she thought her parents would be getting divorced soon, and cried for sometime that evening. She had never shared this with me until tonight. I asked why she was now sharing, and she said, that she wanted me to understand why she was accepting this at this time. I inquired why she thought we would be divorcing a year and a half ago, as I am starting to think I have been real blind to so much.
She replied, she was not completely sure, but she told me that mer mother constantly complained about everything about me. She would try and tell her mom to address it with me, but she never did. Then my D17 would start to defend me when her mom would go on about her complaints. She thinks, that is why her mom has detached from her as well as me.
My D17 could see issues a year and half ago. Oh how my heart breaks at this news.

Oh goodness, how we LBH, are so blind and deaf to the pleadings and complaints of our W. I truly am sad it took me to long to find the DR and learn of DBing.

But I can still put up a fight and if or when there is no more hope to reconcile, I will know that I did all that I could, and be in a better place for whatever the future may hold.

Wish me a peaceful sleep so that I may have a clear mind, and appear calm in the face of the chaos that will ensue tomorrow as she brings her family that has been convinced that I am the evil monster in all of this, to further dismantle what is my home of it's possessions and fond memories of my family.

It's just stuff, but it will be the memories that get dismantled that will cause the most pain, I am sure.

[Vanilla]

It's only stuff.

Go out with your children breath of fresh air.

Praying for you and sending you rainbow strength.

V

[GWH]

Just wanted to stop by SadHub, and say hang in there brother. We are all here for you. Hope you have a good day today.

[SH_]

Thank you V and GWH for checking in and the supportive thoughts.

I am up and trying to get my head on straight and stop the anxiety waves, but here goes nothing. I hope it can be swift and smooth as possible.

Oh, I need to pull it together and put on a calm face. I can do this. I have to do this.
The single most painful awful day in my life is now beginning.

I just have to, just have to,.......

Self, please stop shaking.

[SH_]

The anxiety waves continue to keep crashing over me.
I broke down already. What is wrong with me?
Why does the logic and emotion collide and fight such a fierce battle in my mind, heart, body and soul.
Why can I not maintain any sense of control of myself?
Why do I feel like such a weak man?
Why?

[J5K]

Sadhub,

We are all good people. Let her go and it will set you free also. Things will get better. We are all giving people and sometimes we give too much. Praying for your heart to heal.
You can do this!