Weeding and watering

[mustardseed]

Can't tell if I had a backslide or if I just let H get into my head. The in laws were invited to watch the kids perform. It is the first time I had seen MIL and SIL since H went crazy. I was wondering how to handle it. I know he had been lying to them about me and I had no idea what they thought. I decided that I should act like myself. Not try to read the situation too much. I miss them and I wanted to say hello. To let them know I am doing ok and that I miss them and that I am excited to see them. I did that, had a lovely chat with his mom, and all went well.
His sister was a little cold, but polite.

After the performance we were all waiting for the kids in the lobby I came out first and they came out and was standing separate but near me. I wasn't sure what the polite thing to do would be. I have never been great with social nuances. If I leave does it look rude? Feels rude. If I stay where I was does it look like I am trying to make them uncomfortable. Since I was there first and they chose to stand in their spot I decided to stay, I chatted with my sister and some friends. Then OW came from out of nowhere--said hello to my MIL and flipped SILs hair. And I started shaking at that point. With these thoughts going through my head--she already knows his family? This is my kids' big night shouldn't she have not injected herself in the family situation? and once again PROOF that he is a big fat liar about their R (like it even matters anymore) but all of these thoughts came flooding in.

OW saw me, looked at me than disappeared. At that point I decided it is probably best if we find a different place to stand. When D came out she met up with us and asked me to help find MIL and SIL. I brought her up toward them and ran into H. I asked him where they were because D wanted to say hi. His reply "I'll take her. You don't need to make a scene." WHAT??? They were standing nearby so I just directed D to where they were. Whispered "your GF is the one who tried to make a scene" and then went back to where I was standing.

I sister was with me and I told her what he said. She couldn't believe it and said I didn't do anything inappropriate (except my comment to him was unnecessary--but no one heard).

Whatever it is that happened last night was not exactly how I had hoped it would go. I think part of me wants them to know the truth. Desperately wants them to support me and like me and believe me. But I know that is never going to happen and will only bring me back in where I am so happy to be finally out of.

My friend told me that the goal was probably to make me look crazy in front of my inlaws. OW (who was nowhere to be seen all night until that moment) was trying to get me going. And she did. And I shouldn't have reacted at all. But I did. Although it was a subtle and fleeting reaction. I look of disgust at her and a snide comment to H. The focus was on the kids the rest of the night except for those brief exchanges. Yet this morning it is those brief exchanges that has me doubting myself.

I probably gave enough of a reaction for him to twist it into something to take the blame off of OW and support his lies about me. I guess the big thing right now is that I have to stop caring what they think of me. That is a hard thing for me to accept. But there is nothing I can do about it. So I guess casual aquaintances from here on in? OW is in and I am out? I have to find a way to not let this consume me today. It is one thing to have her a part of the school life, it is another to know she is in the family life. Of course, he is not supposed to be bringing her around the kids (outside of her professional responsibility to them) so if she as been with his family it has been without the kids present.

LET IT GO MS.... Every time I think I have something makes me start eyeing the bait again.