I am content, that is a blessing.......

[mleigh4]

Weelllll Sotto. You know me better than that. I have been ok, am mostly ok, I really try to stay focused on being ok.....today I am ok but I have been struggling and can't promise tomorrow I will be ok. I almost feel like I need to lay it all out on the table to H, this is where I am at. I know this may not be proper DB, but it is sort of an experiment for me, to not only see H reaction, but my own. I am going to take this all in, give it some time and will go from there.

I wrote H today:

Happy Friday. Your work being important was not a jab, it seems to be the major focus in your life is what I meant, there is no right or wrong with that, it's whatever works for you. I am very proud of what you have accomplished, always have been, and happy it makes you happy. I know S is your priority and I think you are a good dad. I think it is great that we are civil and friendly, able to spend holidays together, even vacations. That is huge, it baffles many people! Lol! But I believe it could remain that way, as long as we are open, honest and upfront with each other. I think that is what brings me to reaching out to you. This arrangement has been working well for me for quite a while, I have been healing and needed the time and space to do it. I am pretty content these days but not sure how much longer....I am not looking to be alone much longer at this point in my life and want a family environment for S and myself. There are so many things I want to do, but I want someone to share the memories with. I know you always tell me to not hold back but I would never bring someone I cared about into the middle of this, that would be unfair to all of us. I suppose at some point I will know what to do if we remain in limbo like this and I will be upfront with you about it. I hope you do the same with me. In the meantime I enjoy us all spending time together, I know S does too. Thanks for listening and giving your feedback. I think it's important to keep each other filled in until we decide which path to take here. Hope you are having a good day.

......so, ya, full open honesty there. No games just truth. I can probably give this another year but I am truly drifting away from any hope with him. Not so much because of his actions, because of my own feelings towards him. Loss of attraction, admiration, respect and trust. I believe in standing and giving time, however why hold myself from moving on? This 180 of opening up to him feels like another step in the process for me. Another part of doing everything I could. Now, I can't look back and say, I should have been more open with him, like I do about our past. This isn't so much about his response, it is about me taking steps to be able to fully let go. Because I know he is not ready to work on R and I know he does not want me, I am not expecting any miracle here, this helps me to talk through it, with him, to know I was not wrong in letting this go.

Any word on Job??