I could have written the same first half of your post. The changes that my ex's affair, our successful reconciliation, and his subsequent departure several years later in MLC forced me into, have been the greatest growth experiences of my life.
I was happy in my life before the bombs, but I can be comfortable in a rut. And I was so busy twisting myself into a pretzel to keep my difficult H happy and care for our 3 wonderful but difficult kids, that there was little left over for me.
I learned to take chances despite my cautious nature, I learned not to settle for less than being cherished in a relationship (which my boyfriend now definitely does), I made new friends, I learned to play the drums at 53 and now play in a pop-punk cover band (our next gig is next week ). I'm free to do the things that I am interested in. (I was always willing to try my ex's things but he was never willing to try my things.)
And yes, I learned to maintain compassion towards him even though he has been quite the jerk on many occasions since our divorce. (Word to the wise - if you can get a lump sum distribution in a divorce in lieu of alimony, take it! My ex is so pissed about paying me alimony after 24 years of marriage - and so bad at math and taxes that he apparently has been laboring under the delusion that he's paying me 25% of his income instead of 11% of his after-tax income - that he has taken every opportunity to shift costs onto me when it comes to our kids, to the tune of almost $100k. I imagine our relationship would be a lot friendlier right now if I could have taken a lump sum, but that wasn't possible at the time.)
Yet I am able to see how damaged and unhappy a person he is, and I'm grateful to be me, not him.
This opportunity for personal growth is really what DBing is all about.
). I'm free to do the things that 